Down To Zero
by CherryCorday
Summary: The way in which Alex reentered Olivia's life was not how either of them thought it would happen. Things get worse before they get better and nothing prepares them for the emotional fallout they're about to face.
1. In The Background

**Well, hello, beautiful people! Here is another story for you. This isn't a cabinverse story, so no Josie or Cam or Caroline or that mean old Ivy. Just Liv and Alex (mostly). This idea has been rolling around in my head almost as long as the Cabin Fever stuff, so I'm happy to start laying it out so I can make room for other story business. I finished this chapter today, and wanted to wait until I had a few more chapters written before I posted anything, but I'm not very patient. Speaking of not being patient, I'm gonna be upfront and say that I have no idea when I'll get more time to churn out the next chapter. I work a full-time job (who am I kidding? It's an overtime job!) and six day work weeks leave me to cram everything I need to do in one always-too-short day. But I promise I'll try to work on it more often than not. This chapter is like a cork in a bottle of wine: once the initial block is gone everything flows relatively easily and you take as much as you can get and at the end you're passed out cuddling a raccoon while wearing nothing but a sombrero on your front lawn.**

_I felt you long after we were through...because I carry you around in the background._

"Come on, El! Don't pout just because I happen to be siding with Munch on this particular subject," Olivia Benson smirked as she took another sip of her beer.

Elliot threw his hands up in exasperation. "But you're _my_ partner, Liv! You're supposed to agree with _me_!"

"I don't think anyone can agree with someone who thinks-" The ringing of Olivia's cell phone stopped her from finishing her thought. She glanced across the booth to a smug looking John Munch, and then to Elliot Stabler, who had a look on his face that said that their discussion was far from over, before she looked at the screen of her phone. The area code was from New Jersey, but she didn't recognise the number, so she gave her formal greeting. "Benson."

"Um, hello, Miss Benson. My name's Bethany Akander. I'm a trauma nurse in the ER at Bergen Regional Medical Centre in Paramus. Do you know an Alexandra Cabot?"

Munch and Elliot watched as the colour drained from Olivia's face. It had been years since she'd allowed herself to even think of that name. She felt like an elephant had decided to sit on her chest. Her mouth opened and closed as she tried to respond, but no sound came out.

"Miss Benson? Are you there?"

Shaking her head to try to get rid of the surge of feelings that she'd worked so hard to push deep down over the years, she finally croaked out a response. "Yes. Yes, I know her."

There was a sigh on the other end of the phone. "I'm sorry to inform you that Miss Cabot's been in an accident. Her car lost control on the freeway and spun out. She's stable, but she's in critical condition."

Olivia ignored the concerned looks from her friends and ran her hand through her hair. "Why did you call me?" It wasn't an angry question. The absence of Alex in her life caused her a lot of heartache. There was the initial agony of Alex being taken away from her to join witness protection, followed by the false hopes of getting Alex back when she returned to testify against her would-be assassin only to be ripped away again without so much as a goodbye, not to mention the never ending sting of knowing Alex had been released from witness protection and returned to New York but had never returned any of the phone calls from her old friends. For three years Olivia had done her best to rid her mind of thoughts of Alex Cabot. She had done a pretty good job, only experiencing an occasional twinge of nostalgia, but this moment in time was one Olivia had not prepared herself for.

"When the paramedics were treating Miss Cabot in the ambulance, she kept repeating your name. We looked in her phone and found your number."

"Um...OK." Olivia nodded slowly. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

Bethany Akander gave Olivia directions then thanked her for her time and hung up. Olivia slowly took the phone from her ear and put it in her jacket pocket, moving like she was in a trance.

Elliot reached out and put his hand on Olivia's forearm. "Are you OK, Liv? What was that all about?"

"It's Alex. She's been in an accident. She's in Paramus and she's in critical condition," Olivia recounted.

"Why did the hospital call you?" Munch asked.

"She kept repeating my name in the ambulance. They checked her phone and found my name." Olivia put her purse on the table and stood up to leave. "I'm gonna drive to the hospital."

Knowing what Alex's absence had done to his partner, not to mention the knowledge that Alex was back and still hadn't even acknowledged Olivia's repeated attempts to contact her, Elliot wasn't sure how to tell his partner that he didn't think this was a good idea. "Liv..."

"Save it, El. I know you had to pick up the pieces after she left...twice...but I can handle this. I'm not staying. I'm gonna give them the information they need to get her next of kin, and then I'm coming back. She doesn't mean anything to me anymore." With that she picked up her purse, sidestepped her way out of the booth, and left the bar.

Munch looked at Elliot, who rubbed his hands roughly over his face. "I don't believe that for one second. Do you?"

Elliot shook his head. "Nope. When it comes to Alex Cabot, Liv's heart takes over and gets destroyed in the process every single time. And I don't think this is going to end well."

###

Olivia could honestly say that she'd never been to Paramus, New Jersey. It wasn't that she didn't want to go there, just that she had no reason to do so. There wasn't anything there that she needed to do or see and she didn't know anyone there. Until now. Alex Cabot was in the hospital there. Why? In all the time she'd known Alex, the blonde had never mentioned anything about the town. Olivia had so many questions and the only person who could answer them was Alex.

The trip took thirty minutes, but it felt so much longer than that. The closer Olivia got to her destination, the more anxious she felt. She pulled into a parking spot and turned off the engine. Leaning forward and resting her head on the steering wheel, she took several deep breaths to try to calm her nerves. When her heart stopped racing, she picked up her purse and got out of the car. She'd seen quite a few people in hospitals in her years on the force, but this was different. This was Alex.

Striding into the ER with a confidence that she hoped covered the rattled nerves and increasing anxiety at the thought of seeing Alex, she walked up to the desk with her badge out to show the nurse. "Hi, I'm Detective Olivia Benson. I was called about a patient you have here."

A thin blonde woman in navy blue scrubs came up behind Olivia and stood next to her at the counter. "I'm the one that called you. Bethany," she said as she held out her hand. Olivia shook the nurse's hand and smiled sadly. "Your friend just went up to surgery. She's got some compound leg fractures that need to be repaired. She also sustained broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder. We did a CT scan and as far as we can tell there's no concussion or anything like that, which is pretty incredible. She's gonna be in the OR for a couple of hours and if you'd like to wait for her I can take you to the waiting room."

"That'd be great," Olivia said, her plan to offer information and leave forgotten. In Bethany's recounting of Alex's injuries Olivia's resolve to not have anything to do with the woman who had directly and indirectly broken her heart crumbled. The urge to see Alex suddenly burned white hot and turned any animosity she had been clinging to into ash.

Bethany told the intake nurse that she'd be gone for a few minutes and placed a hand on Olivia's forearm. "Ready?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "Yeah."

They walked to a bank of elevators where Bethany pushed the up arrow and stood back. She gave Olivia a sidelong glance and tried to figure out the relationship between her and Alex Cabot. The detective's face remained impassive with the exception of a furrowed brow and eyes that were filled with worry.

"Is there any paperwork I have to fill out or any information I can provide?" Olivia spoke as soon as the elevator doors opened and they stepped inside.

"There are a few forms you need to fill out but I'll give them to you when we get to the surgical floor. Any information you can provide would be helpful. All we know is what we learned from her driver's license and that's not much. We know her birthdate, address, and that she's an organ donor. If you've got anything beyond that, we would love to know."

_She prefers tea to coffee, but she drinks coffee when she knows she's gotta work late. She has to sleep with her feet covered by blankets, even in the dead heat of summer. She sings obnoxiously loud in the car on long trips. She's an affectionate drunk. Her favourite thing in the whole world is to be kissed awake. But somehow I don't think that's what you wanted to know..._ Olivia thought. "As far as I know she doesn't have any allergies to medications, and that's about as much as I could tell you. She's always been incredibly healthy as long as I've known her. Oh, but she does have insomnia and some anxiety, but with the kind of work we do, it kind of comes with the job."

"Is she a detective too?" Bethany asked.

Olivia shook her head. "No, she's an assistant district attorney for the Manhattan SVU. Or at least she was... She...um...left...for a few years, and then came back as a bureau chief in another department."

Bethany smiled as the elevator dinged and the doors parted. "A lawyer, huh? Well, that explains why she was driving a Mercedes." She stepped out first, followed by Olivia.

"She comes from a long line of lawyers, judges, and other assorted politicians. When she first started working with us we couldn't figure out why she was slumming it with us instead of having some ridiculously successful private practice. But it turns out she was the best thing to ever happen to the unit. She's tenacious and brilliant and has more empathy than any of us ever expected."

As they arrived at the nurses station, Bethany rounded the end of the long counter and searched through a stack of files, finally locating the one for Alex. Olivia looked around the room and took in the small waiting area and noticed that there was no one else in it. A TV was mounted in one corner and several rows of chairs lined the walls. She turned back to the desk as Bethany handed her a clipboard with the form that the hospital needed to be filled out.

"Here's this, and when you're finished with it, just hand it to whoever's behind the desk. Rachel over there will keep you posted on your friend's condition." Bethany pointed to a nurse with fiery red curly hair at a computer station at the opposite end of the station. She leaned closer to Olivia and whispered, "She's the best nurse on this floor. She'll make sure you're taken care of."

Olivia smiled genuinely at Bethany. "Thanks for everything. I'm glad Alex had someone as nice as you to be there with her."

Bethany flashed a comforting smile. "She was pretty banged up when she got here, and she was alone in the car when it crashed. She needed someone to keep her calm because all she kept saying was your name and crying. I told her you were on the way and she passed out. Poor thing just needed to know you were coming to her." She watched as Olivia's eyes filled with tears. "If you need to talk or anything, I'm a few floors down. It's a slow night and it beats stocking supply closets."

"Thank you," was all Olivia could choke out.

With a nod, Bethany went back to the elevator and Olivia sat down with the clipboard and began to fill the form out to the best of her ability.

###

After handing off the paperwork to a passing nurse, Olivia returned to the chair she had been occupying and stared at the little TV showing CNN at a low volume. She wasn't even paying attention to the broadcast, but it beat staring at the wall. The next thing she knew she was being tapped on the shoulder by the nurse who Bethany identified as Rachel.

"Miss Benson?"

Olivia blinked a few times to get the haze out of her eyes and sat up a little straighter. She didn't even remember falling asleep. "Yes?"

"Miss Cabot is in recovery now. You can go see her if you'd like."

The butterflies in Olivia's stomach started going crazy. "Um, yeah." Rachel stepped back and allowed Olivia room to stand up.

The red head led Olivia slowly down the hallway to the patient rooms. "Everything went well in surgery. She's still out from the anaesthesia, but she'll wake up soon. We're keeping her up here for the night to monitor her and then hopefully tomorrow we'll have her down in ICU." As they reached the door of the room that was Alex's, Rachel stopped Olivia with a hand on her arm. "I'm not gonna lie, she looks pretty bad. She's got bruising on her face from the impact and a burn from the airbag. She's in a sling for her shoulder and her legs are in traction. She's gonna be in pain when she wakes up, but we can manage that. She's got a long recovery ahead of her. But believe me when I say that she's incredibly lucky to even be alive." She paused a moment to let her words sink in. "When she wakes up, hit the call button so we can reevaluate her and give her some pain meds." Rachel pushed the heavy door open a ways and pointed inside the darkened room. "She's all yours."

Nodding slowly, Olivia slipped inside and closed the door behind her.


	2. Told You So

**Hi, kids. Chapter two is out of my brain and seen here for your A/O reading enjoyment. I've been back with the six day work weeks again and time to write/type/whatever is scarce, but I tried to be good and get this out within a week of posting the first chapter, and I'm close-ish. I tried finishing this chapter today but my stupid brain kept making me think of someone I'd rather not think about anymore and my mind was all over the place. I finished this chapter at home (not usually a good thing for me...too many distractions) and it's longer than the 2500 words I was shooting for. Basically what I'm saying is you guys win 1100 (plus or minus a few) bonus words.**

_At a party I've thrown the morning has grown and someon's going your way; you tell them you'd rather stay and that's what lovers say_

Olivia's eyes adjusted to the faint light in the room. The florescent bulb in the fixture above the bed coupled with the glow from several monitors cast shadows in the corners of the tiny space. The silence that hung in the air certainly didn't help the place feel any more comfortable. These rooms were obviously for waiting until patients were stable enough to move to other wards so the decor didn't need to be anything more than utilitarian. Having looked at every other thing in the room besides the reason she was there, she finally let herself look at the bed and person in it. As her eyes took in Alex's broken body and finally looked at her face, she felt like someone was squeezing the emotion control centre of her brain and all her feelings were oozing out between the fingers. She stood there a moment more as the severity of the situation really and truly sank in.

Olivia could never understand why people always said that someone in a hospital bed looked small and frail with all the wires and tubes coming out of them. Alex looked the same size she always was. There was no shortage of tubes and wires attached to her but she was still recognisable as Alex Cabot. Bethany and Rachel hadn't exaggerated Alex's injuries at all. There was very little of her body that wasn't bandaged or splinted in some way; her head, neck, and right arm being the exceptions. She wasn't sure how long she stood there staring, but she decided it would probably be more comfortable to sit. Making her way to Alex's bedside, she pulled the lone chair closer to the bed and sank into it.

Watching the steady rhythm of the rise and fall of Alex's chest gave Olivia something to focus on. She wished Alex was awake and alert so she would have some sort of clue as to how to react to everything. Not knowing why Alex was in New Jersey and just how she had wrecked her car was driving the detective in her crazy. Her career consisted of finding answers and not stopping until she had the entire picture. The scene in front of her left her with way more question than answers.

The detective sighed and looked down to her hands in her lap and then back to Alex. Aside from the obvious injury to her face, she looked relaxed. Almost peaceful. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Olivia recalled the very first time she saw Alex asleep.

###

It was the weekend of Olivia's birthday and she was throwing a dinner for the squad at her apartment. Never having truly enjoyed celebrating her birthday any other year, it surprised Elliot that she wanted to host a get-together. He had insisted that if it was her birthday that she shouldn't have to do anything for her own party, but Olivia didn't care. Work had been fairly rough earlier in the week, and as things calmed down, Olivia thought it would be nice to have everyone over to unwind and give them an excuse to eat some cake. She did have a slight ulterior motive in inviting Alex Cabot. She'd only been their prosecutor for a short time so Olivia hoped it would be nice to see everyone interact in a non-work setting, and more importantly, the detective hoped to get to know Alex a little better on a personal level. Something about Alexandra Cabot sent a fluttering sensation through Olivia and she hoped that through repeated exposure, she might figure out exactly what it was.

As Cragen, Elliot, Munch, Fin, and Alex took their places at the table, Olivia stood up and addressed her guests. "I'd like to thank you all for coming. I want you all to enjoy the food and wine...well, you don't really get to enjoy the wine since you're catching tonight," Olivia looked directly at Munch and Fin, "but be sure to save room for cake and just take it easy," she announced.

"Actually, Liv, we should be thanking you for your hospitality," Alex spoke up.

Passing the dishes around before she sat down, Olivia smiled at the ADA and shrugged. "It's nothing fancy. Just a simple chicken piccata and a few easy side dishes."

"It's OK 'cos none of us are used to fancy dinners...well, maybe Cabot is..." Elliot countered as he scooped a heap of steamed vegetables on his plate and passed it to his left.

The look Olivia gave her partner was nothing short of withering. "What the hell, El?"

"That's enough, Elliot," Cragen warned in his best fatherly tone.

Alex wasn't ruffled in the slightest. She hadn't been assigned for SVU very long and though tensions between her and the detectives were easing, occasionally there was still an underlying mistrust of her intentions that cropped up from the squad (with the exception of Olivia). "It's fine, Liv." She was handed the platter of chicken and forked a piece onto her plate then passed the platter on. "For the record, Elliot, I'm not rich. My family is, but I myself am not. Also, most of their money is tied up in charitable trusts, so we don't just go around throwing down large amounts of cash for thrills. And just so you know, I ordered pizza for dinner last night, and it wasn't even one of those expensive gourmet ones. It was a large pepperoni from the greasy little pizza joint around the corner from my building and I'll be eating it cold for breakfast tomorrow morning," she explained calmly as she cut her chicken into bite size pieces.

Everyone at the table looked at Elliot with matching looks of amusement on their faces. Elliot narrowed his eyes and looked at his plate. Soon everyone was eating and the outburst was forgotten.

The evening continued without further incident and as things wound down and the hours passed, the guests got ready to leave.

"Hey, Alex, I'm going through your neighbourhood on my way home. I can give you a lift if you want," Fin offered.

"Thanks, Fin, but I'm gonna stay and help Olivia clean up," Alex stated.

Olivia gave Alex a surprised look because this was the first she'd heard of this idea. "I've got this, Alex. It's OK."

Alex gave the detective a look that said she wouldn't hear any more arguing. "Olivia, you cooked and it's your birthday, so I'm staying to help you wash dishes. I'm gonna wash while you dry."

"I have a dishwasher," Olivia pointed out.

"Then I'll rinse and you load."

Not sure what to make of exactly what was going down, Olivia raised an eyebrow and relented. "If you insist."

"I do insist," the ADA replied, smiling smugly.

Fin, Munch, Cragen, and Elliot said their goodbyes and left the women to themselves.

"I'm sorry about Elliot's comment earlier. He's kind of a jerk until you get to know him."

"So you're saying he's a jerk but you get used to it?" Alex teased.

Olivia smiled and winked at the woman standing across from her. "Pretty much."

"Let's get the dishes in the dishwasher and all the leftovers put away." Alex clapped her hands together and strode to the kitchen, with a grinning Olivia in tow.

It didn't take long for the tasks to be completed, and Olivia had opened another bottle of wine when everything was put away. They were seated on the sofa, glasses in hand, sipping in silence

"Where'd you learn to make that chicken piccata? It was delicious," Alex eventually spoke.

"My college roommate used to make it all the time. It's not difficult to make at all. I could give you the recipe."

Alex snorted. "That's very kind of you, but I can't even boil water without burning it."

"Oh, I don't believe that. Everyone has something they can cook. I'm sure there's something you make that's good," Olivia encouraged.

"I mostly microwave. I just don't have time to cook most nights and it's just me so I don't really feel like making something just for one and then having all the clean up that accompanies it."

Olivia nodded knowingly. "I get that. But sometimes I kind of feel like I want to create something different by putting a new twist on an old classic. Or see what I can throw together from what I've got in the cupboards. I've made some really good soups just by using what I had on hand."

Taking another sip of her wine, Alex grinned at Olivia. "Maybe some night in the near future when I can't possibly do any more work at home, I'll remember this conversation and be inspired to whip some improvised culinary delight."

"Or you could just come over and we can do something inspired together." It was the wine that had opened Olivia's subconscious and let that sentence out. Between the three glasses she'd had with dinner and the one she was currently working her way through, she was suddenly starting to feel a bit fuzzy. Alex's close proximity was also detracting from her clarity at that moment. "I'm sorry. I sort of said that wrong."

The look on Alex's face was genial. " I don't know about that. I think you sort of said that right."

Olivia looked at Alex for a moment. The increasing fog in her brain was coupling with the fatigue that was beginning to settle in. "Whoo! I think I've had a little too much wine," she joked, hoping it would turn the subject back from the awkward place it had gone. She leaned forward and placed her early empty glass on the coffee table.

"Me too. I thought I'd be OK since I was eating but I was kind of nervous so I kept drinking so I'd have something to do with my hands."

"Why were you nervous?"

Alex shrugged. "I don't really know all you guys that well, and I figured a little extra wine might make me a little less ADA Cabot and a little more Alex Cabot."

"Are we that bad that you have to get half in the bag to be comfortable around us?" Olivia teased.

"No," Alex sighed, "but I know my nickname is Ice Queen and a little alcohol breaks the ice, so to speak."

"For what it's worth I don't think you're the Ice Queen at all. You're good at what you do and you don't take anyone's crap. You certainly didn't take Elliot's crap!"

Cringing a little, Alex placed her wine glass next to Olivia's. "Sorry 'bout that. I've heard all the 'spoiled little rich girl' taunts and just because I'd eventually like to have a career in politics people think I'm just doing this until something glamourous comes along; like I'm only here to have something high profile to highlight on my resume," she finished with a hint of sadness.

Olivia reached a hand out and placed it on Alex's knee. "I'm glad you're here."

Alex met Olivia's gaze and held it. Something in her brain clicked as she looked deep into the brown eyes in front of her. She was definitely feeling a bit loose from all the wine, but suddenly her focus was tight on two things: Olivia's face and the feeling of Olivia's hand on her knee. Her mouth opened to say something along the lines of 'Thank you' or 'Me too' or anything at all, but a yawn came out instead of words.

"I see you're getting tired. I'm pretty exhausted too. Got up early to clean and shop and cook," the detective said as she gently removed her hand from Alex's knee and stretched her arms above her head.

"I should get going. I'll just call a cab," Alex said as she stood up and carried both glasses to the kitchen sink.

"Nonsense. Stay here tonight," Olivia offered.

Alex turned around and walked slowly back to the where Olivia was. "I couldn't impose like that."

Olivia put her hands on Alex's shoulders. "Alex, we've both had a fair amount of wine, and we're both tired, and there's a big bed, and I even have a brand new toothbrush you can use, and I probably have some yoga pants and a t-shirt that would work for pyjamas. And that's just for tonight. Tomorrow I have a shower and breakfast and coffee. So will you please just stay the night?" The smile that Alex gave Olivia was all the answer the detective needed.

"Sounds like you've thought of everything. Except I drink tea instead of coffee in the mornings."

"I even have tea. A few different kinds too." Olivia moved her hands down to Alex's elbows and squeezed them lightly. "OK, you're first up in the bathroom and while you're in there, I'll dig out some jammies for you."

When teeth were brushed, faces washed, and clothes changed, Alex and Olivia slipped under the covers of Olivia's queen sized bed. They lay on their backs staring up at the ceiling with the covers pulled up to their chests. Alex had calculated the distance between herself and Olivia, mentally drawing a line down the centre of the bed in an attempt to emphasise that her body was not cross it for the sake of propriety. She was trying to be as unimposing as possible despite Olivia's continued insistence that she was doing no such thing.

"You don't sleep on your back, do you?" Olivia asked as she reached out and switched off the light.

"Rarely. Why? Do you?"

"I really can't say for certain since I sometimes work days at a time with minimum sleep, so I have a tendency to sleep in some pretty uncomfortable positions when I finally get the chance to actually go to bed." Olivia turned her head to look at Alex in the darkness. The blonde was still looking at the ceiling. "You can roll over or curl up or whatever you like to do to fall asleep. You don't have to sleep like you're laying in a coffin."

Alex looked over at Olivia eventually rolled her body over so she was facing the centre of the bed. "I usually sleep on my side."

Olivia smiled. "Now we're getting somewhere. Sleep however you're comfortable, Alex. I don't move around a lot, so you've got, like, two thirds of bed to use."

"I'm not much of a thrasher myself, but thanks for the invitation." She pulled the covers up over her shoulder and took a deep breath. "Goodnight, Liv."

"G'night, Alex."

Several hours later, Olivia woke up. It was still dark out, but the first signs of dawn would be occurring soon. At some point in the night she had rolled facing away from Alex so she carefully rolled back over to face her. The light from the street outside cast a pale glow over the room. If her eyes weren't adjusted to the darkness, she wouldn't have seen the way Alex's face was turned ever so slightly into the pillow and the faint smile on her lips. Olivia could not deny that Alex was beautiful. She had the type of face that would always make her look younger than she actually was, and Olivia wouldn't be surprised if she still got carded in bars. But as young as Alex looked, she also looked sophisticated; she possessed a timeless beauty that would serve her well as she aged. As Olivia tried to memorise the contours of Alex's features, she noticed that the sun was a little closer to coming up than it was a few minutes ago.

"Alex," she whispered. "Wake up. There's something I wanna show you." When the blonde furrowed her brow and snuggled deeper into the bed, Olivia reached out and gently stroked her cheek. "Alex. Come on. It's worth waking up for. I promise."

Slowly Alex opened her eyes. She blinked several times to clear the haze and gave Olivia a pout. "It's still dark out, Liv."

Olivia grinned and sat up in bed. "Yes, but not for long. Come on. We're going somewhere."

"Where could we possibly be going right now?" Alex said sleepily as she propped herself up on her elbows.

"You'll see when we get there. It's not far, but it's gonna be a bit chilly," Olivia stated as she got out of bed and went to the closet.

Alex got out of bed and followed Olivia. She yawned as Olivia handed her a hoodie and then took one out for herself. "Put this on," she instructed as she did the same.

"Do I need shoes?" Alex asked earnestly.

"Yes. I'm gonna make us some tea and I'll be right back."

Pulling the hoodie on and putting her shoes on, Alex hoped she didn't have some crazy bed head going on, but she was too tired to care. She stood with her hands in the front pocket of the sweatshirt and waited for Olivia to return.

A moment later, the detective came back with a thermos, two mugs, and a folded throw blanket tucked under her arm. "Ready?"

"I guess."

"Come on, Alex! Where's your sense of adventure?" Olivia prodded as they left the apartment.

"Still sleeping," Alex replied.

Olivia playfully bumped shoulders with Alex. "I think you'll like what we're going to do. It's a prefect time for it." They made their way down the hallway to the elevator, and when the car arrived, Olivia pushed the number for the top floor. Alex didn't get why they were going up instead of down, but she figured Olivia knew where she was going, so she said nothing. They got out of the elevator and walked to the end of the hall to the stairwell. Olivia pushed the door open and pointed to the flight of stairs that went to the roof. "We're going up there."

Alex went up first and pushed the door to the roof open. Olivia followed her through and propped the door open a crack so they could get back in. Alex looked out at the view and had to admit that it was pretty even in the waning darkness. She saw Olivia placing the thermos and mugs on the ground next to a wooden bench on which she had placed the blanket. "So what's there to do on your building's roof?" she asked as she slowly headed toward Olivia.

"We're gonna watch the sunrise. And drink tea and probably talk a little bit, but the whole point of this is to watch the sunrise over Manhattan." Olivia took a seat on the bench and patted the space next to her.

"I think I can handle that," Alex said as she sat next to Olivia. She picked up the blanket and tucked it around their legs before Olivia reached down to pick up the mugs and thermos. "How'd you boil water for tea so fast?"

Olivia carefully poured tea in a mug and handed it to Alex. "I bought this electric kettle on clearance because it didn't have a box. Regular price was $129 and I got it for less than $40. It's imported from Austria and heats 24 ounces of water in about 90 seconds. It's great if I get called in the middle of the night and have to make instant coffee before I leave." When she poured the last of the tea in her own mug, she put the thermos back on the ground and sat back.

Alex relaxed and sipped her tea. Never had she thought that a dinner at Olivia's would turn into a slumber party/sunrise watching opportunity. She had to admit that in spite of being tired, this was actually really sweet of Olivia to include her. "So do you bring all your overnight guests up for watching the sunrise?"

"You're the first person I've brought up here. This is where I come to separate myself from the world below. It's a different feeling being up here and watching people below go on about their business not even knowing someone's up here and seeing them living their lives."

"I never thought about anything like that," Alex offered as she took another sip of her tea.

"I come up here to process. Seeing people doing regular people things like walk the dog, ride their bike, go to the corner store, take out the trash, whatever...keeps me grounded. It lets me know that there's some normalcy in the world, not just rapes and murders and drug deals and prostitution."

Looking sideways at Olivia, Alex smiled. "Thanks for sharing this with me."

Olivia turned her head to look at Alex. "Anytime. It's cheap therapy," she said before turning her gaze back to the eastern sky.

As the black sky turned into a deep indigo, then a searing pink streaked with orange, Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and left it there until the sky was a brilliant blue.


	3. Have I The Right?

**It is I, your long-time-no-see fic author. If you're familiar with my work, you know I complain about working too much. If you're new to my work, I complain about working too much. It seems like two weeks is about what it takes to get a chapter for this thing out, so I'm gonna try to keep with that timeline (but if I write one faster, then you'll have it faster!). Speaking of chapters, they're all either gonna be kind of short or pretty long. Working in elements of the past and present make for some challenges in the length department. This one's short because it's mostly connective between the previous chapter and the one that follows. But chapter two was long because these flashbacks are like mini-stories in themselves (and the one from chapter two wraps up in this chapter because it got looooooooong). I'll shut up now and let you all get to reading. You're all beautiful people with excellent taste in stories.**

_Have I the right to thrill you? You know I'll wait until you give me the right to make you mine_

With the sun positioned firmly in the morning sky, Olivia and Alex returned to the apartment. As the detective put the mugs and thermos in the sink, the ADA folded replaced the blanket on the back of the sofa.

"So do you wanna go back to bed for a few hours or I could make breakfast and we can hang out?" Olivia offered shyly. Self-consciousness was seeping in as she realised they weren't under the influence of wine and Alex was now wide awake and not as suggestible as she had been when she first woke up.

Alex pulled her hoodie off and carefully folded it before handing it to Olivia. "I should probably get going. I've got some things to do for work, and I need to clean up my apartment. A week's worth of take-out containers won't just pick themselves up."

Nodding in understanding, Olivia smiled sadly. "Well, I wouldn't want to keep you from your cold pizza breakfast and chores." She hoped the attempt at a joke would hide the disappointment she felt.

"Right," Alex said. "But I would love to get together again. And soon. I had a wonderful time last night and this morning. And I don't think I'll ever forget that sunrise," she gushed.

A smirk took over Olivia's face. "Thanks for indulging me. You really didn't have to stay and help clean up."

"Ah, but how else was I gonna get you alone?" Alex winked at Olivia and headed to the bedroom to change back into her clothes.

Olivia stood motionless and tried to process what Alex had just said. _How else was I gonna get you alone?_ NotDrunkAndNotSleepy Alex was flirting with her. There was no other context for that sentence. A feeling of lightness moved through Olivia and she grinned as she went to the kitchen to wash the dishes in the sink.

Moments later, Alex emerged from the bedroom dressed in her clothes from the night before. She retrieved her purse and jacket as Olivia met her by the door. "I'm serious about getting together again."

"I can't wait," Olivia beamed. "This was my most favourite birthday so far."

Alex reached out a hand and touched Olivia's shoulder. "I'm glad to have been part of it." She then pulled the detective into a hug and revelled in the feel of Olivia's body pressed against her own. As she pulled back, she looked deeply into Olivia's eyes, flashing her a mega-watt smile before leaving the apartment.

As the door closed, Olivia placed her palm flat against the surface and swooned for a moment before going about her day.

###

Remembering their first morning together still brought a smile to Olivia's face. She had no idea that including Alex in a dinner with the rest of the squad could have been the beginning of a relationship that rivalled the best anyone had ever seen. Looking again at Alex's bruised face gave Olivia the feeling like the bottom had dropped out of her stomach; that feeling you get on a thrill ride when you're suspended mid-air for a split second and you don't know which way is up. It was scary. Olivia had no idea what she was going to do. All she could do was sit at Alex's bedside and wait for her to wake up.

Olivia dozed off again for about fifteen minutes before she awoke to the sounds of mumbling and the rustling of bed sheets. She opened her eyes and saw Alex, with her eyes still closed, gripping the sheets next to her and twisting her upper body. Leaning forward to put a hand on her arm to try to calm her, Olivia whispered, "Easy there, Alex. It's OK."

Alex opened her eyes and turned her head toward the voice she heard. Registering that Olivia was indeed in the room with her and this wasn't part of the dreams she was having, she panicked. Her throat felt raw and she wanted to ask where she was, why she was wherever she was, why did her entire body hurt, and why was Olivia there, but all she could get out was a hoarse "Olivia."

"I'm here, Alex," the detective said soothingly as she rubbed Alex's forearm. "I'm here."

The attempts to placate the blonde weren't working. She was getting more and more agitated as the haze of anaesthesia wore off. Struggling to sit up, she cursed her body's weakness and wished she could run far away from the circumstances at hand. Between the pain she was feeling and the assault of emotions that surfaced from being in the same room as Olivia Benson, Alex closed her eyes tightly and began to sob.

Olivia reached for the call button on the bed rail and backed away from Alex. Seconds later Rachel rushed in and went straight to the head of the bed, smoothing Alex's hair back from her forehead. The brunette watched as the red-haired nurse calmed Alex with hushed tones while looking from monitor to monitor. A minute later an older woman in a white coat entered the room and picked up Alex's chart from the end of the bed.

"Miss Cabot, I'm Doctor Westphalen. I believe you're due for some painkillers," she spoke in an even tone as she wrote some notes in the chart. "Rachel, would you administer ten of IV morphine?" The redhead nodded and left to retrieve the medication. "And you are?" she asked, looking at Olivia.

"Olivia Benson. I'm her...um...her emergency contact," she replied quietly. "We're old friends."

Nodding, Doctor Westphalen smiled in acknowledgement. "Your friend here is very lucky under the circumstances." Alex still had her eyes closed, but had stopped writhing. She was breathing deeply and whimpering occasionally as Doctor Westphalen examined her legs and other injuries. "Miss Cabot, do you know where you are?" Alex opened her eyes and shook her head. "You're at Bergen Regional Medical Centre in Paramus." Lifting the sheets to palpate Alex's abdomen, she continued to ask questions. "Do you remember what happened before you were here?"

Alex slowly opened her eyes and looked at the doctor as she leaned over her bed. "Car accident."

"That's right. Do you know who's here with you?"

"Olivia," Alex whispered before swallowing thickly.

Rachel came back with a handful of supplies and quickly drew up the morphine into the syringe. She looked at Doctor Westphalen, who nodded her permission to deliver the dose at that time. "This will help with the pain, but it's also gonna make you sleepy. We're keeping you here a few more hours to make sure you're in good enough shape to transport. So far, so good, but we like to err on the side of caution."

Doctor Westphalen made a few more notes in the chart and hooked it back on the end of the bed. "If either of you need anything, don't hesitate to use the call button." Giving Olivia a sympathetic smile, she and Rachel left the room.

Her limbs began to feel like dead weight and she felt like she was being pulled under a thick, heavy blanket. Alex looked at Olivia as her eyes filled up with tears. "I'm sorry."

Olivia scooted her chair closer to the bed and took Alex's hand. "Don't be sorry, Alex. Just go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up." Alex's eyelids closed and her body relaxed. Lifting their joined hands to her mouth, Olivia kissed Alex's knuckles. "We'll figure this out."

Not long after Alex had drifted off, a soft knock on the door pulled Olivia's attention away from Alex. She looked up to see Bethany, who was now wearing street clothes instead of the scrubs she had been wearing earlier, slipping through the door and coming to stand on the opposite side of the bed from Olivia. "Hey. Rach said she woke up, so I thought I'd see how you were doing before I went home."

"I'm OK, I guess. Still don't know what happened exactly, but I'm sure I'll find out eventually," Olivia said before looking back at Alex. "She freaked out when she saw me. I don't think she knew what I was doing here with her."

"Not exactly the greatest reunion after so long apart," Bethany mused. She observed the way Olivia looked at Alex, the way she caressed Alex's wrist with her thumb, the pain her voice conveyed. "She was more than just a friend to you, wasn't she." It wasn't a question.

"We started out as friends, but we clicked on a deeper level. It sounds so stupid to say one thing led to another, but that's exactly how it happened. She came over one night for dinner and we were sitting on the sofa afterward and she just says, 'Olivia, I feel like I wanna kiss you.' So I said, 'What's stopping you?' And she leaned in and kissed me." Olivia chuckled at the memory. "It was one of the greatest nights of my life, but I knew I was already in deep and that meant I was probably gonna get hurt at some point. I just didn't know how badly."


	4. Sexuality

**In an effort to give you all something to read, I've decided to post the first half of what would have been an epically long chapter. Things are smoothing out at work (Crazy co-worker is gone! No more of her shenanigans and unreliability!) and I have TWO days off this week, so Sunday will bring the rest of this chapter. The flashback doesn't end there...if you know what I mean...and I think you do...**

_Kiss away the ones who say the lust you feel is wrong; How bad could it be if you amuse yourself with me?_

"Have you eaten?" Bethany asked.

Olivia shook her head. "No."

"You've been here for hours and she's gonna be out for at least three after that dose of morphine, so let's get something to go from the diner across the street. My treat."

Looking at Alex's still form and realising that she was actually very hungry, Olivia kissed Alex's hand before carefully placing it back at her side. "I'll be right back," she whispered. Bethany smiled and raised her arm in an 'after you' gesture.

Bethany told Rachel that if Alex's status changed that she should page her. Walking down the hall and into the elevator they made small talk about the rest of Bethany's shift. The nurse had been thankful that the night had been fairly slow (aside from Alex's case) because it had been frantically busy all week. It was quiet in the hospital as the women left, but soon the day shift would be arriving and the bustling would begin again.

The neon sign proclaiming that Lorraine's Diner was open 24 hours in the window shone like a beacon in the pre-dawn haze. Swinging the glass door open, Olivia entered followed by Bethany, who immediately took a seat at the bar. A waitress who looked to be in her thirties silently slid the women menus as she passed behind the counter.

"I recommend anything breakfast-y. French toast, pancakes, biscuits and gravy... That's what they do best. Not that the don't have other stuff that's good, but I definitely always go for breakfast when I get off work," Bethany explained after giving her menu a cursory glance.

Olivia looked quickly at the menu before deciding that biscuits and gravy sounded really good. She placed the menu back on the counter as the waitress returned to take their order.

"Hey, Bethany. Gettin' the usual?" the woman asked.

"Jen, when do I ever get anything else?" she joked before turning to Olivia. "Come to a decision yet?"

"The biscuits and gravy, please," Olivia stated.

"And that's all to go," Bethany added.

Jen went back to the grill and started the orders while Olivia took in her surroundings. The place wasn't fancy or incredibly sophisticated, but neither was it seedy or shabby. It catered to the hospital workers who came in at all hours of the day and night, sometimes after spending more than 24 hours in a row on shift and provided a comfortable setting and an alternative to the hospital cafeteria. It was where doctors and nurses and patients all went to get out of the hospital for a bit and recharge among the rest of humanity. Olivia relaxed a bit after being so tense from Alex's brush with consciousness.

"Sometimes after dealing with life-or-death situation after life-or-death situation, I have to step out and get a cup of crappy diner coffee," Bethany mused. "That wasn't the case tonight, but I don't feel much like cooking and scrambled eggs and hash browns are all I want right now."

Olivia nodded, knowing the feeling well. She turned to look at Bethany and smiled at her. "I really wanna thank you for being to nice to me. I'm a total stranger and you've been such a good listener and just been so accommodating. I..." She stopped speaking because one more word would have unleashed the flood of tears that were simmering below the surface.

Bethany shrugged. "I'm willing to bet you've done the same thing for victims and their families. Sometimes it's helps to know someone cares."

Jen came back with two bags tied up and ready to go. She slid them across the counter and Olivia put a few bills on the bar to cover the cost and tip.

"I said this was my treat! I got this!" Bethany said as she slid the money back toward Olivia.

"I really don't have any other way of saying thank you, so please let me pay for this," Olivia insisted.

"Fine," Bethany relented. They waved goodbye to Jen and left the diner, walking together back to the entrance of the hospital. "I'm parked out back, but I want to give you my number before you go back upstairs." She reached into her purse and pulled out a scrap piece of paper and a pen. "If you need anything while you're here, call me. I'll be here tomorrow night in the ER, but don't hesitate to call me or just ask Rachel," she explained as she scribbled her number on the paper before handing it to Olivia. As she replaced the pen in her purse, she smiled at the detective. "Thanks for breakfast," she added before heading off in the direction of the employee parking lot.

Olivia stood in front of the doors a moment longer, watching Bethany's retreating form in the early morning light. She remembered that Alex was asleep upstairs and figured it was time to get back.

###

Alex was still deeply sleeping when Olivia came back to her room. Pushing the chair back from the bed, Olivia moved Alex's tray closer so she could put her take-out box on it. As she pulled the plastic fork and napkins, she looked at Alex and sighed deeply. She figured she should call the captain after she finished eating. He'd be in his office by that time of morning and though she was scheduled for a day off that day, she would put in for some vacation time. Considering she never took time off of her own volition, there was little anyone could say to stop her this time.

Olivia had to admit the biscuits and gravy were excellent. She gathered up the trash and placed it in the wastebasket and turned to retrieve her phone from her purse. A burst of anxiety shot through her. While her relationship with Alex wasn't exactly a secret, the effect of Alex's absence was devastating for the entire squad, but it was Alex's sudden return to New York and refusal to acknowledge her old friends that created some animosity. It was just assumed that if Alex had been released from witness protection she would more than likely seek out Olivia first. The fact that she didn't made Elliot and Captain Cragen in particular angry on Olivia's behalf. Each of them had a hand in picking up the pieces when Alex left, and neither could bear to see Olivia beating herself up over someone who clearly didn't think she was worth even a short e-mail reply. After staring at her phone for a few moments, she headed out to the hallway to call the captain.

"Captain Cragen," came the older man's voice when he answered.

"Cap, it's Benson. I...I need some time off. Something's come up that I need to take care of and...um..." she trailed off.

Captain Cragen sighed on the other end of the line. "I know this is about Alex. Elliot told me about your phone call last night. Just let me know how long you need and I'll take care of it, but, Liv, I say this not as your boss but as your friend, I don't want to see you hurt again."

"I understand. A week sounds like a good start. If anything changes, I'll call you," Olivia spoke in an even tone so her anger didn't show.

"OK," Cragen acknowledged. "Bye, Liv."

As she disconnected the call, she was glad Elliot was in another state because she really wanted to shove him for meddling in her personal life. She understood where the captain was coming from in regards to looking out for her emotional well-being because an emotional cop is a distracted cop who could easily become a dead cop, but Elliot of all people should have had her back in all of this. He may not have liked the way the situation unfolded, but he was being petty and jealous in Olivia's opinion.

With a full stomach and the anxiousness she had been feeling beginning to dissipate, Olivia yawned. Knowing Alex would be asleep for a few more hours, she pulled the chair alongside the bed and took Alex's hand in her own before resting her head on the mattress and closing her eyes.

###

"Olivia, this looks to die for!" Alex exclaimed as Olivia placed a plate of shrimp drizzled with chili-lime butter, Spanish rice, and grilled tomatoes in front of her.

"Well, as long as it's not to die _from_, we should be OK," Olivia joked. "I've never made this before, but it sounded really good, so we're testing it out tonight." Alex delicately placed her napkin on her lap as Olivia took her seat and poured them two glasses of wine. "When I was buying the ingredients for all this I asked about a wine to pair with it and they told me a simple, inexpensive California sparkling white wine was the way to go, so I apologise in advance for it not being some rare vintage. The bottle even has a screw top," the detective explained as she handed Alex a glass.

The blonde raised an eyebrow as she accepted the glass and set it next to her plate. "Liv, you know I don't care about any of that high brow stuff. If it's good, it's good. Simple as that."

The brunette blushed slightly as she arranger her napkin in her lap and picked up her silverware. "I know, I know. You're just the most classy person I've ever been friends with and I kind of feel like I need to impress you."

"You don't have to do anything to 'impress' me. You're smart, you're funny, you are an incredible cook, and you've got empathy and compassion and fire and drive, and I could go on, but dinner's getting cold and it smells divine, so I'm gonna eat. But when I'm done if you'd like me to continue naming adjectives that describe you, I can do that."

Blushing more deeply this time, Olivia smiled self-consciously at Alex. "That's OK. I think I got the gist."

Dinner was eaten with a fair amount of light conversation and when Olivia had the dishes in the dishwasher and everything put away, she brought the rest of the bottle of wine with her and joined Alex on the sofa.

"That was amazing, Liv. You're raising the bar pretty high with dishes like those. I don't know that I can top that," Alex said as she relaxed into the cushions.

"It's not a competition, Alex. You can make whatever and I'm sure it'll be great."

Alex snickered. "We'll see what you think after you taste it."

Olivia laughed and sipped her wine and Alex did the same. They had seated themselves at opposite ends of the sofa, each in a corner but facing each other. The conversation had died down, and Olivia wasn't sure what to say to break the silence. "Do you wanna watch a movie?" tumbled out of her mouth as it came to mind. "I'm sorry. That sounds kind of dorky and juvenile. We can discuss classic literature or European politics or something grown-up if you prefer."

"A movie sounds great," Alex chuckled. "And besides, what do you know about European politics?"

"Nothing, but it sounded sophisticated. I do actually know quite a bit about classic literature. My mom was an English professor," Olivia explained as she went to the cabinet next to the television where she kept her DVDs. "What sounds good? Goofball comedy, romantic comedy, action, suspense, tear-jerker?"

Taking another sip of her wine, Alex shrugged. "Whatever you feel like is fine. I don't see many movies, so I defer to your selection skills."

Olivia looked at the titles and picked out a romantic comedy that wasn't overly sappy or cliched and put it in the player. "This is one of my favourites. Not too heavy, pretty funny, and heart warming without being forced." When she returned to the sofa Alex quickly switched positions so she was laying across the cushions with her head resting squarely in Olivia's lap.

For all of Alex's trepidation regarding accidentally cuddling with the detective when they shared a bed, she was now determined to push the envelope bit by bit. The flirting came easily, but talk is cheap. The detective tensed at the sudden contact, at which point Alex shifted to look up at Olivia's face. "Come on, Liv. I mean, we've technically already slept together," she joked, but quickly added in a serious tone, "but if this makes you uncomfortable, I'll move."

"It's fine. I just didn't expect it, that's all. If you're comfortable, I am," Olivia replied, running a hand lightly along Alex's upper arm.

Rolling back over to face the TV, Alex snuggled a little more into Olivia. "Oh, I am _definitely_ comfortable."

"Good," the brunette said as she pushed the play button on the remote. "Good."


	5. The Simplest Thing

**Here's the other half of the previous chapter. And by the way, sorry for the whatever-the-hell-happened with chapter four. EffEffDotNet got all buckwilly and wouldn't work, but now it does (hopefully) so I think we're all OK now.**

**We're gonna get into Alex's story soon, so you'll know why she wrecked her car in Paramus, New Jersey. Hang on just a little while longer, y'all. We're going somewhere. I promise.**

_I know what I want, and I know what I need, 'cos it's the simplest thing. It's the simplest thing.  
_

As the movie played, Olivia's hand found its way to Alex's hair and stroked it lightly. Alex was probably the most relaxed she could ever recall being. The evening had gone well, and both women were enjoying the way arrangement.

"That was really good," Alex said as she sat up when the credits rolled. "It's nice to see someone make a romantic comedy with a bit of depth."

"That's why I like it. I hate those flimsy, one-dimensional women characters. I want to see someone with layers; someone who isn't just out to get a man and when they find one then their life's complete. Show me someone like me who has goals and a career but wants someone to share their life with," Olivia explained.

Alex looked at Olivia as she spoke and interpreted what she was saying. "Does it have to be a man?" Olivia shook her head. They looked at each other for a minute, maybe two, maybe more. Time seemed to stand still. "Olivia...I feel like I wanna kiss you."

Olivia raised an eyebrow in a challenging manner. "What's stopping you?"

Leaning forward and reaching a hand to cup Olivia's face, Alex kissed the detective tentatively but passionately. She would have been lying if she said that she had never imagined what it would be like to kiss Olivia, but her dreams had nothing on the real thing. It wasn't at all like kissing a man. Olivia's lips were soft and pliable, they melded with her own instead of mashing them. Alex pulled her face back slowly, keeping her hand on Olivia's neck. She looked into the dark brown eyes full of wonder and lust, and panic erupted. "I should get going. Thanks for a great night, Liv," she said quickly as she jumped off the sofa, grabbed her purse from the hooks near the door and left the apartment.

The tears pricked behind Olivia's eyes. She had no idea what had just happened. One second things were going well, flirty and easy and sexy. The next second saw Alex freaking out and all but running out of the place. She got off the sofa, switched everything off, and went to bed.

Back at work the next day, Olivia's path did not cross Alex's. She had worked out what she would say if she and the ADA did meet for some reason, but as time went on and it got later and later, it became clear that they wouldn't see each other. At the end of her shift, Olivia gathered her purse and jacket from her locker, grabbing Alex's jacket as well. As much as Olivia wanted an explanation for the night before, she was also dreading what might be said. But she felt like giving Alex her jacket back would give her a reason to see her, and if they talked about the kiss, that would be fine. And if they didn't talk about the kiss, then that would be fine too.

Olivia walked slowly down the hallway of the courthouse while she mentally rehearsed what she would say if Alex was still in her office. As she got closer to her destination, she saw that the desk lamp was on, which was a good indicator that Alex was still working. She stood in front of the door, took a deep breath, and knocked.

"Come in," came Alex's voice from behind the door.

Opening the door a crack and sticking her head in, Olivia kept a neutral look on her face. "I just wanted to bring your jacket back." She entered quickly, draped it over the back of the chair in front of the desk, and then turned to leave. Right before she got to the door, she heard Alex's desk chair slide backward.

"Liv, please wait."

Olivia stopped, turned around slowly, and looked at Alex, who was now standing behind her desk. All the things she had planned to say once she saw the ADA were gone when she took in the desolate expression on Alex's face.

"I'm sorry; so, so sorry about last night. Please let me explain and if you still wanna leave, that's OK." The detective closed the door and sat in the chair that she had placed the jacket on. Alex came out from behind her desk, perching on the corner opposite Olivia. "I should really start by saying that last night had nothing to do with you. In fact, you were perfect. Things were going exactly how I envisioned them, and then suddenly..." She took her glasses off and fidgeted with them in her hands.

"Have you ever kissed a woman before?" Olivia asked when it was clear Alex was at a loss for words.

Alex looked away and shook her head. "But I've thought about it a lot."

"Why start with me?"

"Why not you?" Alex shrugged. "There's something about you, Liv, that makes me...I don't even know how to describe it. I feel like I can't breathe and like I need to run away, but the only direction I want to run in is yours. I don't like to admit this, but I don't know what I'm doing. I've never been some casanova. This is new for me and I'm pretty sure I've already screwed it up." She looked down at her feet. "I really am sorry for last night."

The sadness and defeat in Alex's tone made Olivia want to hug the blonde until she was happy again. She stood up and moved to stand in front of Alex. "Apology accepted. To be perfectly honest, I don't know what I'm doing either. And in the spirit of full disclosure, I'd never kissed a woman before either." The blonde's eyes went wide. "Oh, don't look so shocked! A woman cop MUST be gay?!" Olivia teased.

"That's not it, it's just...you're a good kisser."

"It's a skill that transcends gender. I've only dated men, but I've never ruled out the possibility of dating a woman. I like you, Alex. And you were flirting with me, so I figured you liked me too, which is why I was so baffled when you ran out after kissing me. Usually I'm the one who bails when things start to move too fast," Olivia chuckled.

Alex relaxed, slouching a little as the tension left her body. "You seemed pretty receptive when I laid it on thick, but I thought maybe you were just humouring me, and I'm sorry if I came on too strong. I'm generally the woo-ee, not the wooer."

Olivia smiled sweetly at Alex. "You have confidence and you go after what you want. That's sexy."

"You think so?" Alex said coyly.

"Very."

"Well, then, I'm going after something I want right now," Alex said softly as she wrapped her hand around the back of Olivia's head and pulled her in for a kiss. Slowly they separated and looked at each other through half lidded eyes.

"Wow," Olivia breathed. "Woooooow."

Alex ran her thumb across Olivia's cheek and removed her hand. "Yeah. That was nice."

"We don't have to rush things, Alex. As cheesy as this is gonna sound, we can make this journey together. We just do what feels right with no preconceived notions."

"That was kind of cheesy, but I like it."

Olivia kissed Alex's cheek and headed for the door. "I'll let you get back to work. I'll see you soon?"

Shifting her weight forward so she wasn't leaning on the desk anymore, Alex walked around to her chair. "Absolutely."

###

The pain in Olivia's neck was becoming too much to bear. She had fallen asleep again, but she had slumped down in the chair instead of the slightly more comfortable head-resting-on-the-bed position. It took a few seconds to recognise her surroundings and when she looked to the bed, she saw two blue eyes looking at her.


	6. Cupid's Victim

**I would like you all to know I'm at a crepe shop and I'm looking at a giant jar of honey on a nearby table. Seriously, this thing is MASSIVE. But that has nothing to do with anything and I felt the need to share with someone. Getting down to business, here's some forward momentum. Thanks for your patience and continued readership. I hope this doesn't disappoint.**

_Without a warning it comes flying, and when it strikes my world changes; all reason left behind. Without a warning it comes flying, and it's to late to resist it for my fate is sealed. And I know my heart's no longer mine._

"You're awake," Alex said quietly.

Olivia sat up straighter in the uncomfortable chair and tried unsuccessfully to get the kink out of her neck. "You, too." They looked at each other in silence. "How're you feeling?" Olivia asked as her mind kicked back into action.

"Sore." Turning her head back to stare at the ceiling, Alex closed her eyes again. "Why are you here?"

"You know were were in a car accident," Olivia began slowly. Alex gave a slight nod, but didn't interrupt. "When the ambulance came the paramedics said you were repeating my name. They looked in your phone and found my number."

Alex's breath hitched and her face crumpled before she let out a sob. Olivia took her hand and held it tightly between her own and watched helplessly as she cried.

When Alex calmed down a bit, Olivia hit the call button. A male nurse came in and silently took Alex's vital signs, before letting them know that the doctor would be in momentarily. When he left he kept the door open a crack and it wasn't long before Doctor Westphalen entered the room.

"Good morning, Miss Cabot. Good to see you're awake," she said as she picked up Alex's chart. "I'm gonna look you over a bit and I'm pretty sure you'll be on your way to the med-surg ward. Your vitals are excellent and as long as your incision sites aren't seeping, you'll be good to go."

Olivia grudgingly let go of Alex's hand while the doctor performed her exam. She couldn't be sure if holding Alex's hand was comforting to her or causing her more distress, but it made Olivia feel connected to Alex, so she was going to keep doing it until Alex said not to.

"Well, I'd say you're ready to go. Everything looks good, so I'll call for transport," Doctor Westphalen said brightly, which was a definite contrast to the tension in the room. She replaced the chart on the end of the bed and glided out the door.

Several tense minutes passed before two men in scrubs showed up to move Alex to the med-surg ward. They opened a cabinet and took out the ubiquitous white plastic bag with Alex's personal effects and handed it to Olivia. One of them unlocked the wheels at the foot of the bed while the other did the same at the head. Soon they were rolling Alex down the hall to the elevator while Olivia followed clutching Alex's things to her chest. As they made their way through hallways and corridors, Olivia took a second to look in the bag she was carrying. The only thing in it was Alex's purse. Realising that Alex's clothes were most likely cut off in the ER, and remembering that she herself had no change of clothes, she decided to run out to the get some clothes and a few comforts of home for herself and Alex. When they finally arrived in the room that would be Alex's, the porters left and a member of the nursing staff came in to explain the care she should be receiving while on their floor.

"I'm Sarah. You must be Alex," she said as she looked at the chart, "and you are?" she asked as she looked to Olivia.

"Olivia Benson. I'm her emergency contact."

"All right. Alex, you'll be here for a few days for observation. We'll monitor your vitals to make sure there were no complications from your injuries, like throwing a clot or developing an infection, but for all intents and purposes, you're here to rest up until you're strong enough to go home. If you have any questions, or experience excruciating pain, just let one of us know. OK?"

Alex nodded and watched as Sarah replaced the chart at the foot of the bed and left the room.

"A couple of days isn't so bad. At least you're not here for a month or something," Olivia said to try and lighten the sombre mood that seemed to permeate the space.

"Yeah."

As much as Olivia wanted Alex to be awake and alert, when Alex was asleep she wasn't crying or freaking out or giving curt responses or avoiding eye contact. She wasn't sure what to say or do to make Alex open up and it irked her. "I'm gonna run to the store and get some things. I noticed you don't have any clothes and I only have what I'm wearing right now, so I'll find something that's comfortable for us. I'll be back in a bit, OK?"

"Whatever."

Olivia grabbed her purse and left Alex staring intently at the wall.

###

Just over an hour later, Olivia returned to the hospital with two shopping bags full of things she figured would be nice for her and Alex and two orders of biscuits and gravy from Lorraine's across the street. Opening the door slowly, she noticed Alex still staring at the wall. The expression on Alex's face was one of defiance and irritation. Olivia decided to just act like things were getting better because, at least in her mind, they were. Alex was awake, in less pain, and was getting closer to being released. Those were all things to be happy about, but Alex was still in a funk.

Olivia put the bags down on the chair next to the bed and started taking their contents out and sorting everything out on the bedside table. "I went to Target and got some lounge wear for you. Nothing fancy, just loose fitting and comfy. There's some fuzzy socks in one of these bags," she said as she reached deep into the last bag. "We both know you get cranky when your feet are cold," she said, smiling in an attempt to lighten the mood. "I got something similar for myself. I also got some toiletries and stuff. And I picked up some biscuits and gravy from the diner across the street. Bethany took me there early this morning while you were sleeping and they were really good so I got you some because I know it's your favourite breakfast and-"

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"What?" Olivia wasn't sure she'd heard correctly.

"Why. Are you. Being. So _nice_. To me," Alex enunciated with bitterness tainting each word.

Folding the hoodie in her hands and placing it on the table, Olivia looked Alex in the eye and shrugged. "Why would you even ask that? You need someone, and we were close once, and so why not me? If there's someone you'd rather have with you instead of me, then let me know and I'll get them here. For what it's worth, Alex, I still care about you, but if you don't want me here, say so."

Alex sighed in frustration. "There isn't anyone else to call. No friends. No family. No one."

"You have me. You've always had me whether you knew it or not," Olivia offered. When her heartfelt words were met with a scoff from Alex, the emotional roller coaster she'd been on plunged swiftly into an angry loop. "Why don't I just call that fiancé of yours? Robert, isn't it? I'm sure he's worried sick that you aren't home in your penthouse at the top of a glittering ivory tower!" That certainly got Alex's attention. She turned to look at Olivia with an expression of shock and confusion. "How do I know about your fiancé? Word gets around, Alex. When I found out you were back, I was so happy. I just...I couldn't..." Remembering how she felt when Casey Novak had mentioned in passing that Alex Cabot was now a bureau chief still made Olivia's heart race. She'd waited years to hear that Alex was back and she couldn't wait to see her. "I called you. I called you _a lot_. And you never called back and I figured you were probably overwhelmed with people trying to get in touch with you again, and settling in at your new job, and any other reason I could rationalise for you not calling me back. And then Casey mentioned something about you being engaged. And I got it. You didn't want me anymore. Robert's Wall Street money is a million times better than a cop's salary, and he's more socially acceptable to be seen with than some dyke detective." Olivia took a deep breath and let it out between clenched teeth. She hadn't intended to chastise Alex for the choices she made, but Alex was being standoffish and aside from a brief moment where she apologised for something (Olivia still didn't know what) when she woke up from the anaesthesia, she was downright prickly.

Several tears rolled down Alex's cheeks. Olivia had every right to be upset with her; not just for the situation they were currently in, but for so much more. She would explain it all to Olivia eventually, but she couldn't right then. Emotions were clouding everything and nothing was coming out right. "Robert and I broke up."

That little tidbit of information took the wind out of Olivia's sails. "Really? When?"

"Yesterday. I got home from work, and we fought, so I got in the car and I left."

"Where were you going? What's in Paramus?"

Alex swallowed with some effort and sighed. "This wasn't the destination. I was headed to East Amherst."

Olivia knew that Alex's mother lived there, and she also knew that Alex's mother had died while Alex was in witness protection in Wisconsin. "You were on your way to your mother's house?"

"There was a box of personal items that were sent to her when I left for witness protection. All my furniture and clothes were given away, but photos and jewellery and trinkets were boxed up and shipped off to my mother as my next of kin. I just needed to see those things again," Alex said flatly.

A few pieces of the puzzle were fitting together. Olivia was grateful for Alex's sudden willingness to share even a little bit of what had happened, and was hopeful that this would lead to Alex opening up a bit more in her own time. "What did you and Robert fight about?" she asked hesitantly.

"He found some journals I kept while I was gone. They were in a box under some scarves on the top shelf in the closet. He was digging around to find a place to hide a diamond heart necklace engagement present for me when the box fell and he saw what was inside. He read some of them and freaked out." Alex looked away and started to cry. "They were all about you."


	7. Anyway

**Hellooooooooooo, Alex! And so soon, too. Apparently writing Alex's side of the story comes easy to me. It just fell out of my fingers and is now here for you beautiful people.**

_I just don't care enough about this to make the effort to show you that I care enough to try to get you back in bed with me._

The day Alex Cabot ran her car off the road and wound up in the hospital began much the same way as the day before and the day before that and so on. Four days prior, however, the morning had been anything but usual. Robert had asked her to marry him.

They had been picking fights with each other for a few days, which Alex figured was due to stress over their work. Robert was a high powered Wall Street banker and often had "a lot going on", as he liked to put it. He would sometimes explain his projects and whatnot to Alex, but she never really listened because she had no interest in what he did; she only liked the fact that he was good at his job and that he seemed to enjoy doing it.

He proposed after breakfast. Alex had gone for her morning run and after returning home to shower and get ready for work, she found Robert had laid out a quick breakfast for her and placed the New York Times next to her bowl of granola topped with yoghurt. She figured it was a peace offering since he'd started the fight they had the night before. He'd complained that she was working late too much and they never spent any time together. She tried to reassure him that it was temporary and that they could plan a weekend away if it meant that much to him, but he stomped off without saying another word and sulked the rest of the night. As she sat down at the breakfast bar and picked up the paper, he sat next to her and started to read his Wall Street Journal. A minute or two passed in silence, when he put his paper down and turned to her.

"Can I ask you something?"

Alex shrugged after eating a spoonful of granola. "Sure."

Robert reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a ring box. "Alexandra, will you marry me?"

She looked at the ring in his outstretched hand. This was totally unexpected. "Yes." The answer came out of her mouth before she even realised it. It wasn't what she meant to say at all, but she supposed it was the safe thing to do, especially in light of recent events. As her brain flashed visions of herself and Robert as a married couple doing all the things that a couple of their social standing would do, her brain also tossed in visions of herself and Jim Steele participating in some hot, sweaty desk sex the night before.

Truth be told, she was hoping that all the bickering between her and Robert was the beginning of the end of their relationship. When Alex returned to New York Jim had sought her out, giving her all the dish on the happenings in the district attorney's office since she left. They'd been friends since before Alex was assigned to SVU, and while he'd always been relatively forward about wanting to sleep with her, he was also respectful when she turned him down. When she'd gotten hired as the bureau chief working alongside Jim, she figured having a familiar face around would ease the transition back into her old life.

Jim continued to hit on her, just like he always had, but one night, she said yes. Jim was good looking, smart, and most importantly there wasn't any need to explain her time in witness relocation because he already knew all about it. For Alex, it was an easy way to reassert herself as Alexandra Cabot and to reconnect with pieces of her former life. She wasn't emotionally invested in the relationship and she didn't think Jim was either. But when Alex started dating Robert, Jim became jealous.

Robert was exactly the type of man Alex's family had expected her to marry. He was extremely well educated, wealthy, well respected, and was a partner in his firm. Alex was sitting alone in a hotel bar sipping on whiskey when he approached her. She had been living in the hotel since she'd moved back to the city, and Robert hated to go to the same bars the other Wall Street suits frequented, so he ducked into the hotel bar from time to time to get away from the shop talk. They hit it off and soon after Alex moved in to Robert's penthouse.

In the weeks leading up to Robert's proposal, things had been tense between them, and Alex really didn't appreciate Jim choosing that time to ask why he'd been dumped and pry into her relationship with Robert. When he asked why he'd gotten the ax, Alex replied, "Because I met Robert and he seemed like the perfect guy." Her choice of words did not go unnoticed by Jim.

"What do you mean 'seemed like'? Are you in love with him?"

"He's a wonderful man," was Alex's cagey reply.

"That's not what I asked."

Knowing Jim wouldn't give up this line of questioning (he was too good a prosecutor not to), she relented. "Of course I love him." That had brought the conversation to an end, but it was only because Alex had a meeting to run off to and she didn't feel like explaining that she did love Robert, but not in the way he deserved.

Robert had called Alex earlier that day and said he wanted to have a talk with her. She wasn't sure what it was about, but those words usually meant something was wrong. As she was getting ready to leave the office for the night (late again, as usual), Jim stopped by and reminded her that they'd made dinner plans.

"Hey, Forlini's sound good?" he asked, leaning against the door jamb.

"Oh, I can't. I'm sorry. I have to get home," she replied as she took her coat off the hook.

Most people wouldn't have heard the slight hesitation in her tone, but Jim had known her for years and picked right up on it. "Is everything OK?" he asked as he stepped into her office.

She knew he'd keep on her to talk if she shut him down, and he was one of her oldest friends, so she decided to just say what was on her mind. "Yeah. Robert wants to have a talk."

"Sounds like fun," he said sarcastically.

"It should be easy, you know. Falling in love. Committing. Getting married," she mused.

"You're talking about the rest of your life. There's nothing easy about that."

"I just always thought I'd have this feeling in my gut telling me this is it; this is the one. But I don't," she admitted.

Jim made a joke about the little romantic voice in your head shutting off around the tenth murder trial, but Alex needed something more than a silly comment. "Are you telling me I should marry Robert?" She couldn't blame him for answering that he'd rather not get involved in that decision. If there roles were reversed, she'd have said the same thing.

The next night in the office was really where things culminated where Jim was concerned. He came to Alex's office to admonish her for telling him how to run a case, shouting occurred, and then suddenly they were kissing and that lead to going at it roughly on Alex's desk. Alex's blouse was missing a few buttons because she gave up trying to get undressed in a calm manner, and Jim would have to buy two new shirts because he ripped both his off in a very barbaric display of manliness. When it was over Jim left without a word, and Alex slipped out of the building praying the entire way home that Robert was at his desk in the den and wouldn't see her before she could change. She went straight to the bedroom and was getting ready to take a shower when Robert came in.

"You're home late again," he said accusingly.

"Just finishing some paperwork for this case I'm working on," she lied.

"Why take a shower now? You're not screwing some other guy, are you?"

Alex rolled her eyes as she pulled her robe tighter around her body. "Not at all. I've been in court all day with degenerates and I feel slimy. I just want a quick, hot shower so I can relax and forget about today and sleep."

Robert narrowed his eyes at her, but accepted her answer. "You work late all the time now. I never see you."

"It's not gonna be forever. There's some upheaval since Mike Randolph was killed, but things'll settle down. And we can take a weekend away if you want. Spend some quality time away from crime and money," she offered. He didn't answer her. He just left the bedroom, and Alex took a scalding shower to get all the traces of her transgression off her body.

When Robert popped the question the following morning, she nearly had a heart attack. And later at work when Jim Steele dropped by her office to invite her to dinner at his place, she had to tell him that she was now engaged. She'd hoped deep down that Jim would tell Robert about their affair and Robert would break off their engagement, since their fighting had been Robert's nerves about proposing and not an excuse to leave her.

On the outside, it appeared Alex had a perfect life. But appearances only count for so much. Since she left witness protection, she felt like she had to prove that she was indestructible, that not even an assassination attempt had dented her determination to make the streets safer, and sliding back in under the radar was simply not an option. To someone looking in from the outside, it looked like her life was put together. Too bad she felt like it was spiraling out of control.

###

She'd been Robert's fiancé for almost a week when he found her journals. After the proposal things between them had returned to normal and they were planning their engagement party. It was to be a formal affair with expensive hors d'oeuvres, cases of champagne, and a who's-who list of Wall Street and the district attorney's office in attendance. Alex had picked out a simple but elegant dress with spaghetti straps, which is something she wouldn't normally have selected because she still had something of a scar from where Liam Connors' bullet hit her shoulder, but she felt like wearing that dress would liberate her from shying away from that time in her life. It's not like the story hadn't been big news and people didn't know her name, so why keep trying to play it down.

After Alex had left for work, Robert had returned to their penthouse with a necklace from his favourite jewellery store. It had a platinum heart shaped pendant studded with diamonds. He was going to hide it and give it to her right before they left for their engagement party. As he reached up to the far corner of their closet to make room for the gift bag, a Manolo Blahnik shoebox fell to the floor, spilling its contents. Putting the gift bag in the corner and making sure it couldn't be seen under normal circumstances, Robert bent down to put the journals back in their box. He opened the top one and perused the first page. It was Alex's handwriting and the date at the top was before he met her, specifically from her witness protection. Scanning the page for anything he might recognise, he saw mention of the insurance company she had worked for while she was in witness protection, Wisconsin, and a man named Clayton. Alex never liked to mention her "time away", and he never pried because he knew it was an extremely difficult time in her life. He figured she would tell him about it someday, but he knew the basics and that was good enough. But here were pages and pages of her innermost thoughts from that period, and while he felt a little guilty for reading them, it wasn't a premeditated event. They fell out of their box and curiosity got the better of him.

As he looked for more on Clayton, he read about how he was a sweet man who really enjoyed doing little romantic things for her like surprising her with roses and pizza after a long day at work, leaving sappy little notes in her purse for her to discover, sending her random texts to say he missed her and hoped she was having a good day, and so on. Reading a little further, he noticed another name mentioned frequently: Olivia. There was a lot of comparison between things Clayton would do and things Olivia would do as far as affectionate gestures went. And then there was the longing to be with Olivia, wishing she could curl up in Olivia's strong arms, wanting to call her to hear her voice, and the list went on and on. Robert flipped ahead a few pages and it was more of the same: wondering if Olivia was safe, wondering what she was doing at that time, wondering if she found someone new, hoping she hadn't forgot what they had. Page after page was full of how much she missed Olivia, was homesick for New York, hated the name Emily, had never even been to Tulsa, wanted to scream that she was still Alex Cabot and that she was still alive. The thing that really got him was the recurring declaration that Olivia was the love of her life and she would never love anyone else that way.

Robert was shocked. He had no idea that Alex had ever dated a woman (or was it women?) and suddenly certain things became clear to him. Alex didn't like displays of affection in public, especially around the district attorney's office. She rarely kissed him on the mouth, opting instead for a kiss on the cheek. He was usually the one who initiated sex, and when he asked why that was, she replied that she preferred to have a relationship based on something other than physical intimacy. At the time, he thought that was a good answer, but now with other information to consider, he saw it for the cop-out it was because he couldn't even say their relationship was based on emotional intimacy. When it came down to it, he really didn't know Alex as well as he thought.

He put the journals back in their box, but he didn't put it back in the closet. He took it with him to the kitchen and set it on the counter. He then poured himself a glass of scotch and called the office to say he wasn't going to be in the rest of the day. Sitting on the sofa with his scotch, he waited for Alex to get home.


	8. I'll Keep It With Mine

**A couple of notes on this chapter: A) I tried to get this chapter to sound a little less corny and trite, and I think I did an OK job. Not great. Just OK. And B) The song used in this chapter (each chapter is named after a song (as is the story itself) and the italic bit before the chapter is a line I think/hope represents the overall content that follows it) is one of my most favourite songs ever. Bob Dylan wrote it, but it's been covered by lots of artists, and I saw a friend's band perform it and I cried and cried 'cos it was so beautiful. Look up the Dean & Britta version on iTunes/YouTube for a really good rendition. That's not my friend's band, but you've probably never heard of them, and Dean & Britta do a great job, but just more commercially.**

_You will search, babe, at any cost. But how long, babe, will you search for what's not lost? Everybody will help you. Some people are very kind. But if I can save you any time, come on, give it to me. I'll keep it with mine._

Alex unlocked the door to the penthouse and hoped that when Robert got home he would have something to work on that would keep him busy for the night so they wouldn't have to talk. As she entered the foyer, she hung her coat and purse up on the hook, put her keys on the table, and carried her briefcase into the living room. When she saw Robert on the sofa, her stomach sank.

"You're home early. Special occasion?" she asked, trying to sound unperturbed. Robert never left the office before 5pm. If he had to take work home, he would, but he believed strongly in putting in a full day and then leaving to have at least some balance between work and home life. The fact that he was home before 5pm was unnerving, but that he was sitting on the sofa with a rocks glass full of scotch was what really scared her.

He turned to look at her, his eyes narrowed as he took another sip of scotch. "Who's Olivia?"

Those words coming from Robert's mouth hit Alex like a punch in the gut. "Um, just an old friend." It wasn't exactly a lie, but it was definitely less than the truth. She certainly wasn't going to elaborate unless she had to. "Did she call for me or something?" She hoped that she was coming off as nonchalant. Her insides were shaking and the last thing she wanted was for her voice to betray her.

"More like an old flame," he corrected her bitterly.

How he knew that, Alex wasn't sure. "What are you talking about?"

He stood and went to the shoe box in the kitchen. "These fell off the top shelf in the closet. I looked at them to see what they were and I found out you're a lesbian." The tone of his voice was one of condescension.

Alex took a step toward the kitchen, but stopped. "Robert, look, I-"

"It actually explains a lot. But what I still don't understand is what the hell you're doing with me. If you love this Olivia so much, why aren't you with her? Was she a phase?"

She had to give it to Robert for sounding more confused than angry. His words were laced with resentment, but this revelation offered far more insight to Alex. Knowing she'd been found out, she decided to come clean. "Yes, she's an old flame. I'm not with her because I'm afraid of what happened while I was gone. Maybe she met somebody and they got married and have a whole bunch of kids. And, no, she wasn't a phase," she stated honestly.

"Do you still love her?"

"Yes."

"Do you love me?"

"Yes. But not in the way you deserve to be loved."

Robert simply nodded and knocked back the rest of the scotch in the glass. "Were you really going to marry me?"

Alex hung her head before answering. "I figured if we got married and made it official, I could make it work."

"Oh, that's a great basis for a marriage!" he scoffed.

"It's true, though. You're a great man, and you'll make a wonderful husband for some woman, but that woman isn't me. I'm sorry for stringing you along, but I can't do this anymore," she said as the tears broke free and rolled down her cheeks.

"At least all this came to light before the wedding," Robert added sadly.

Reaching up and swiping the tears away, Alex sighed. "What do we do now?"

"Well," Robert began, looking at the bottom of the empty glass in his hand, "you get out of my apartment, and I pack up your stuff for you to get at a later date." When he looked up at her, his eyes were cold. "I take back the ring I bought you and the engagement present I was hiding when I found these."

She removed the ring from her finger and walked over to put it on the counter in front of him. As she picked up her purse and grabbed her coat, Robert called to her. "Maybe you can stay with Jim Steele. I hear you've been fucking him too."

Alex turned around slowly. "Who told you?" she asked casually. The situation couldn't possibly get any worse now that both her biggest secrets were known.

"He did. Called me and told me that he thought I should know that you had sex before I proposed. He said you probably wouldn't tell me, and that he felt I should know."

"Yes. I was fucking Jim. You and I were fighting all the time and he...he..."

"Get out, Alex. I don't care."

Turning back to the door, she opened it and left.

###

Alex took the elevator down to the underground parking garage. She kept her composure the entire time, finally letting go when she got behind the wheel of her Mercedes R230. The leather driver's seat was still warm from her drive home. The tears were coming hot and fast and she realised she had no idea where to go. Jim's place was out of the question. She was tired of his jealousy over her relationship with Robert, but ratting her out was the final nail in the coffin of their friendship. For one fraction of one moment, she considered trying to seek out Olivia, but logic quickly told her that was a terrible idea. Not only had she pretty much ignored the detective since she returned to Manhattan, but just showing up on her doorstep and saying, 'My fiancé just kicked me out because he found out I'm still in love with you,' just didn't seem like a proper reintroduction. Alex needed something that wasn't in Manhattan. The city had all the things that were making her life hell at the moment, so she made a split second decision to drive to her mother's house in East Amherst. She knew it was an almost seven hour drive each way, but there were boxes of her things from before she left for witness protection still there, and she felt like she needed to reconcile with her past before she could carve out a future.

As she turned the car on and pulled out onto the street. Rain had begun to fall and the sun was setting fast. Alex flipped on the radio to have noise in the background. It didn't matter what was playing as long as it distracted her from the thoughts and feeling clouding her mind. Where would she go after she left East Amherst? Should she transfer departments to get away from Jim? Was coming back to New York really the smartest move? By the time she was across the state line and into New Jersey, the rain had become torrential. The reality of the situation was setting in and Alex felt the lump in her throat rise. When a sappy love song came on the radio, the lump broke free and Alex sobbed as hot tears streaked down her face. She hiccuped and choked and started to hyperventilate. She was sure there was a weight pressing on her chest that was making it impossible to breathe. Before Alex could get herself under control, her car hydroplaned and she hit the guardrail, eventually spinning around entirely and winding up crashed into an embankment.

###

"Ma'am! MA'AM!"

Alex heard shouting. She was getting rained on and a great deal of her body was in pain. Her face burnt but also had a dull ache; she couldn't take a deep breath because it hurt, her arm felt like it was being pulled from her body, and her legs...well, she couldn't even begin to describe the pain in her legs.

"Ma'am, I'm a paramedic and my name's Kevin. What's yours?"

The man named Kevin was shining a bright light at Alex. The intensity of the beam was making her head pound harder. She closed her eyes tightly and whispered, "Alex."

"OK, Alex, we're gonna get you out of here. Stay calm."

There were sirens and tires crunching in the brush and raised voices shouting instructions. Alex kept her eyes closed and took deep breaths. All she could focus on was how much everything hurt.

"All right, Alex, the fire department's here and we're gonna cut you out. Your legs are pinned and we don't know how bad the damage is, but I'm gonna stay right here with you and keep you company the whole time," Kevin explained in a soothing tone.

"MMmmmmm," was the only sound Alex could get out.

The sound of scraping and twisting metal was sickeningly loud. It made Alex's skull itch from the inside and when she was sure she was going to pass out, it stopped. The shouting returned and someone counted to three. Soon she was being slid out of the wreckage and onto a backboard. Someone covered her with a blanket and velcro straps secured her before several people lifted her onto a nearby stretcher.

Kevin's voice broke through the rest of the commotion. "Alex, can you tell me where it hurts?"

"Everywhere."

They wheeled her up the hill to the back of the waiting ambulance. When she was loaded in the back, another EMT, a woman with short, dark hair and olive skin, started to work on Alex. "Hi, Alex. Can you tell me if you have any allergies to medications?"

"Olivia?"

"No, my name's Diana. Are you allergic to any medications?"

"Olivia! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me, Liv! I didn't know what else to do! I'm sorry, Liv. I'm so, so sorry! I LOVE YOU!" Alex started to thrash as she tried to sit up, but the restraints were not letting that happen. Diana gave Alex a quick shot of a sedative before starting an IV and examining her injuries. As Alex's movements became more and more sluggish, she still murmured "I'm sorry, Olivia" over and over before completely succumbing to the sedation.

###

Pulling into the ambulance bay at Bergen Regional Medical Centre, a team of doctors and nurses waited outside. When the doors opened and they unloaded Alex, Diana gave the ER staff the rundown of what had happened to her and what treatments had been administered.

"Was there anyone else in the vehicle with her?" Bethany Akander asked Diana and Kevin as they ran alongside the gurney.

"She was alone, but she mistook me for someone named Olivia," Diana answered. "She was getting worked up so I had to sedate her." Kevin handed Alex's purse to Bethany when they arrived in the trauma bay and left with Diana to restock their rig.

While the doctors and nurses and techs submitted Alex's broken body to a battery of scans and tests, Bethany tried to locate something that would give her an idea of who Alex was and who to notify of her location and status. All she found was Alex's wallet, a small make-up bag with a few compacts and a tube of lipstick, and her phone. Bethany scrolled through Alex's contact list trying to find an "ICE" (In Case of Emergency) listing, but there wasn't one. She saw an entry for Olivia Benson and figured that must have been the Olivia that she had mistaken Diana for. She scribbled the number down on a post-it note and put the phone back in Alex's purse.

Going back to the trauma bay to get an update from the team, she was told that Alex was stable and on her way to surgery to repair the damage to her legs. Bethany got all the paperwork and files sorted out and went to the desk to call Olivia Benson.

The phone rang twice before a woman's voice answered. "Benson."

"Um, hello, Miss Benson. My name's Bethany Akander. I'm a trauma nurse in the ER at Bergen Regional Medical Centre in Paramus. Do you know an Alexandra Cabot?"


	9. Pink Moon & All The Ladies

**Yeah, I've been on hiatus. Not on purpose; it just kind of happened all at once. Canadian friends visiting, vacation in Tucson, work, work, work, seemingly endless car trouble (I've taken to calling my Blazer "The Jackwagon" because it's jacking up my life!), and lots of other nonsense. I'm happy to drop off this chapter (mediocre as I believe it to be...) so you can read it and I can write more soon. I love you, my little fanbase.**

_The topic, of course, is does true love exist, and if so what the fuck are you supposed to do with it? I say if you meet it, run away as fast as you can because it's easier to live with an idea than it is a man; it's easier to love an idea than it is a man._

After ending the call to Olivia, Bethany headed up to the surgical floor to let Alex know that Olivia was on her way. She found Alex waiting in the hallway while the operating room was prepped. As Bethany approached she heard faint whimpers, meaning that Alex's earlier sedation was wearing off. Soon it wouldn't matter because she'd be out like a light from the general anaesthesia, but she was alone in a hospital corridor and more than likely scared.

"Hey, Alex," Bethany quietly said as she approached the gurney. "I just called Olivia and she's on her way."

Alex turned her head and looked at the nurse standing over her. "Olivia?"

Bethany reached out and gently laid a hand on Alex's shoulder. "That's right. She'll be here soon." Alex closed her eyes and nodded almost imperceptibly. "She'll be here. She's coming to you," Bethany repeated soothingly until Alex relaxed and let her body's exhaustion overtake her racing mind. A moment later the surgical team came to take Alex and Bethany left instructions with them that if there were any complications to let her know. She stood in the hallway for a few minutes to clear her mind before returning to the emergency room.

###

As Olivia listened to Alex tell the story of how she got in the accident and pieced it together with what she knew to get a more complete picture of what the broken woman in front of her had experienced, her heart broke several times over. In her mind, she was partially responsible for Alex's current situation. Logically, Olivia knew this wasn't really the case, but emotionally, she felt like somehow Alex's life had turned out worse than it ever should have because she loved her.

"I don't know what to say, Alex," Olivia said honestly. "No one deserves to go through what you've gone through."

Alex sighed. She expected Olivia to say something along those lines, and it made her angry because she used that same tone of voice when she spoke with victims. Alex did not view herself as victim because she saw herself as the reason why several people's lives were ruined; her own included. "You don't have to say anything, Olivia. I got exactly what was coming to me."

"How do you figure?" Olivia asked with her frustration seeping into her voice. "So you made some bad relationship choices. Who hasn't? But you lying in this bed all bandaged up and in pain, that's not something you deserve at all."

"I'm not just talking about relationships. I'm talking about the Sam Cavanaugh case. I ruined his life. And the Zapata case that I couldn't let go of? I got shot right in front of you, and because that wasn't bad enough, you thought I died." Alex's expression hardened. "And sometimes I wish I had."

Tears pricked the back of Olivia's eyes. "Don't say that, Alex."

"It's true," Alex continued, her voice maintaining a hard edge. "But I had to see you before they took me away. I needed you to know that I didn't die because you couldn't save me there on the sidewalk." She softened a bit at the memory of Olivia crying as they said their goodbyes at the clandestine meeting the marshals had set up. When Olivia whispered, 'Your funeral's tomorrow,' Alex felt the words like a punch in the gut. "And I still left you. If you felt anything like I did, you were absolutely destroyed after all that."

"Yeah, I was. But it wasn't your fault, Alex. Those were some shitty circumstances, and we all got hurt in the end."

There was silence for a few minutes. Olivia watched Alex for a response, and Alex simply wished Olivia would stop rehashing the past and trying to act like a saviour.

Olivia seized the opportunity to ask about something Alex had said when she woke up from the anaestetic. "Why did you say you were sorry when you woke up?"

Alex turned her head to look away from Olivia. "You're better off without me in your life, and I'm sorry you interrupted your life to come here to be with me."

Rubbing her temples in an attempt to stave off the headache that she was sure came from thinking too much, Olivia took a deep breath. "Look, Alex, I get that you're in a dark place right now. I understand and I know you feel awful both physically and mentally. But I'm not here as a reminder of how bad things have gotten. I can leave at any time but I'm still here with you because I know you need someone. You let me in all those years ago and I _know_ you, Alex. As much as you like to be stoic and impenetrable, I know that sometimes you need someone to kiss your forehead and tell you that no matter what happens you will always be loved. I used to do that for you, Alex, and I really want to be the one to do it for you now."

The silence returned. Alex was still looking away from Olivia, which led her to believe that the blonde woman had fallen asleep. It wasn't until she heard Alex's breath hitch and a sniffle that Olivia realised that she was crying. It wasn't long before Alex's breathing evened out and she really had fallen asleep. Olivia shook her head and settled into a slightly more comfortable position and dozed off shortly thereafter.

###

In the harsh light of early morning, Olivia saw just how deep the bruising had been on Alex's body. She knew from experience that it took a few days for the colours to really develop, and Alex's pale skin tone did nothing to hide the horrifying vibrance of the her injuries. It was just after 7am when Olivia checked her watch and Alex was still asleep. Olivia watched for signs of distress, but Alex was still while she slept. A minute later the nurse who had met them when Alex arrived on the med-surg floor quietly entered the room and waved to Olivia. She took Alex's chart from the end of the bed and transcribed the numbers from the various monitors.

It wasn't long before Doctor Westphalen made her entrance into Alex's room. She went straight to Alex's bedside and lightly shook her shoulder to wake her up. "Good morning, Miss Cabot. Sarah's gonna take your blood pressure and I'm gonna give you a quick examination, and then we'll see if you're in good enough shape to go home. How's that sound?"

"Good, I guess," she answered flatly. She didn't move when Sarah put the blood pressure cuff on her arm and didn't even blink when it tightened. She stared at the ceiling and didn't make a sound while Doctor Westphalen poked and prodded at her incision sites.

"Well, Miss Cabot, things are looking great. Your vital signs are excellent and your stitches are holding nicely. How's your pain level?"

Making eye contact for the first time since she'd woken up, Alex looked at the doctor and lied, "About a four." It was really closer to a six or seven out of ten, but she just wanted to get out of the hospital be alone even if she had no idea where she'd go when she was discharged.

Doctor Westphalen made a few more notes in Alex's chart and replaced it at the end of the bed. "That's good to hear. I'm gonna get you up to ortho and they're gonna fit you with a cast for your leg, and a sling for your shoulder. After that we'll work on discharge papers and follow-up care instructions and then you'll be on your way home." She nodded at Alex, then at Olivia, and left the room.

Sarah adjusted Alex's IV bag and turned to look at Olivia and Alex. "So what are your plans for when you get out? You'll need to either have someone stay with you, or you'll have to stay with someone."

"She'll be staying at my place," Olivia spoke up.

"No. I won't," Alex said, a steely tone edging into her voice. She looked at Sarah. "I'll be staying at a hotel and I'll hire a home healthcare nurse."

Olivia's nerves were frazzled and her patience with Alex was wearing thin. "Alex, it's not up for discussion. I'm taking you to my apartment and that's final."

Sarah had no idea what was going down but she knew it wasn't something she needed to be in on. "Just let me know what you decide," she said with some finality and left the room, closing the door behind her.

"You are not my mother, Olivia. I can take care of myself."

"Oh, really, Alex?" Olivia raised her voice. "Because you can't walk, you can't move your shoulder, more of your skin is bruised than isn't, and your entire body aches from the force of the impact. So tell me how you're gonna feed yourself, take a shower, get in and out of bed, or go to the bathroom by yourself." Olivia was now standing at the side of Alex's bed staring down at her. The blonde woman wouldn't meet her gaze, which only served to make Olivia angrier.

"I'll manage," Alex eventually said through clenched teeth.

Olivia snapped. "Oh, for fuck's sake, Alex! Stop trying to prove to everyone how tough you are! This isn't some hypothetical situation we're talking about. This is your reality. It sucks, but you're in no shape to be on your own. You're coming home with me and I'm going to take care of you. You don't have to like it, but you do have to let it happen. And when you're healed enough to take care of yourself, I'll let you go and you never have to see me again. So until then, I'm your care giver and that's final." Alex didn't respond. She didn't even move. Olivia watched her for a moment, her chest heaving and anger dissipating. "I'm gonna go get some coffee," she said as she walked briskly out the door.

Alex let out the breath she had been holding and shook her head. How she'd let her life get to where she was at that moment was something she couldn't figure out. She was supposed to be on her way to being governor of New York, not laid up in some New Jersey hospital because her fiancé dumped her because he found out she was sleeping with a coworker and still in love with Olivia, and then cried so hard on the way to her mother's house (a seven hour drive each way) that she ran off the rain slicked roads and totalled her car and sustained serious bodily injury. And Olivia should be out chasing suspects and comforting victims and working on the stack of paperwork that those things generate, and then at the end of the day she should be going home to a lover; a man or woman who adores her and takes her demons away even if it's just for a little while. _She deserves someone who can offer her something, not someone who just takes and takes and takes_, Alex thought sadly.

As she made her way to the elevators, Olivia's pace had slowed. She was out of Alex's room and the threat of chastising her further was no longer an issue. She'd been forceful with her words, but it didn't seem like any other approach was working. If Alex needed some tough love, Olivia would oblige. When the elevator arrived, she stepped inside, grateful to be the only passenger. She leaned up against the wall and shook her head. It really bothered her that Alex was so resistant to her offers of help. She knew the other woman to be proud and independent, but this wasn't the time to try and do things for herself. Alex wouldn't be able to do much physically, which was to be expected, but Olivia knew that sooner or later Alex would need someone to talk to, to lean on, to give her hope for the future, and Olivia wanted to be there when Alex's walls came down.


	10. Still

**I just want to say that my real life can calm its tits any time now so my fic writing life can flourish. Also, I haven't proofed this very well, so there are more than likely a few more mistakes than I usually miss.**

**EDITED TO ADD THAT THE SECOND HALF IS A FLASHBACK. ALEX IS STILL BROKEN AND CASTED UP IN THE PRESENT.**

_I remember hearts that beat, yeah, yeah; I remember you and me, yeah, oh yeah, tangled in hotel sheets; __You wore me out, you wore me out_

When Olivia entered the cafeteria, she poured herself a cup of coffee, paid the cashier, and sat down at a table. She needed a moment to get her thoughts in order before returning to Alex's room. First on the list of things that needed to be taken care of was her apartment. There wasn't much going on there in the way of food or amenities beyond what covers basic needs, so she needed to enlist some help to make it a bit more comfortable when she took Alex home. She pulled out her phone and dialled the person the person she knew she could count on even if he'd expressed his dissatisfaction at the situation: Elliot.

"Stabler."

"Hey, El. It's Liv. I...uh, have a favour to ask," she said tentatively.

There was a sigh on Elliot's end. "What can I do for you?" He didn't sound eager to help, but he didn't turn her down, so she figured that was something.

"I need some stuff for my apartment. Just some basic groceries, mostly."

Elliot didn't say anything for a moment, and Olivia figured he was going to change his mind about helping her. She was already formulating a new plan when he finally said, "When do you need it?"

"Um, if you're not too busy in the next few hours or so? Whenever you can drop it off is fine. I'll pay you back double," she said, relief flooding through her.

"We'll sort out the details later. I'll make sure you've got what you need."

Olivia wasn't sure, but she thought she could hear a smile in his tone, but she figured she wouldn't press her luck by trying to joke around with him. There would be plenty of time to discuss the situation at a later date. "You're the best. I owe ya one."

"If you're not home, I'll just put everything away for you."

Smiling in spite of the rough morning she'd had so far, Olivia felt like things were finally starting to look up. "Thanks, Elliot. I'll talk to you soon."

"Bye, Liv," he said before disconnecting the call.

Olivia drained the rest of her coffee and set out to return to Alex with a renewed outlook on the day.

###

When Olivia got back up to the med-surg ward, she was greeted by Sarah as she passed the nurses station. "Miss Benson, they just took your friend to ortho so she's not in her room. You're welcome to wait in there if you'd like."

"I'll just get her things packed up and ready to go. Um, is there anything I should know about for her after care? Any details that might be important?" Olivia asked.

Sarah shrugged and shook her head. "Not really. Just the obvious stuff like don't get the cast wet, don't submerge the surgical incisions, make sure she's comfortable, follow the instructions on each medication, that kind of stuff. We'll set up for a physical therapist for home visits who'll go over more things in detail, but overall she's in decent shape given the circumstances."

"I'll make sure she's taken care of. She's stubborn and proud, but I'll make sure she follows all her instructions," Olivia said.

"I know you will," Sarah smiled at Olivia and then turned back to her computer.

Olivia went into Alex's room and began getting Alex's things together. She folded up the clothes she had bought and put them and the rest of the stuff she'd bought in the bag that held Alex's purse, putting it at the foot of the bed for easy access. Since she had no idea how long it would be until Alex returned, Olivia slumped in the chair, letting her mind wander as her eyes looked out the window at the grey sky. She'd lost track of time when a porter pushed a wheelchair with Alex in it back into the room. The blonde woman's right leg was in a white plaster cast that began just below her knee, while the left was splinted in a brace of straps and metal rods from her upper thigh to her ankle with a locking hinge on either side of her knee to adjust the angle. He rolled her around so she was parallel to the bed and said a quick goodbye before exiting the room, crossing paths with Sarah, who was entering with a file folder in her hand.

"OK, Miss Cabot, here's your discharge paperwork. Doctor Westphalen already went over some of the info with you, so I'll make this quick. Here's the name of the physical therapist who'll be working with you, and the name of the doctor who you'll be following up with in Manhattan. We're all in the same network, so it's all covered by your insurance. You can call them tomorrow and hammer out the details. Doctor Westphalen's number is in here too in case you have any concerns." She placed the folder on the bed next to the bag of Alex's personal effects. "That's all I have for you. Do you have any questions?" Alex's gaze never left the floor, but she shook her head no. Sarah looked to Olivia, who was looking at Alex, and asked, "How 'bout you, Miss Benson?"

"I think you've answered all my questions. Thank you," Olivia said as she stood up and crossed the room to shake Sarah's hand.

"You're more than welcome," the nurse replied. "Well, you're all set to get out of here. I'm sorry it was under these circumstances, but it was nice to meet you both."

Olivia put the folder in the bag and hung it from the handles of the wheelchair. Slinging her purse strap over her shoulder, she put her hand on Alex's shoulder. "I guess we'll be on our way." She manoeuvred Alex past Sarah and out the door, waving goodbye to the rest of the nurses at the station. They reached the elevator and Olivia pushed the call button. Alex had yet to speak a word since Olivia had gone to the cafeteria. Figuring that there was a lot going on in Alex's head (if Olivia's heart had been through the wringer throughout the past few days she was certain that Alex was experiencing the heartache tenfold), she didn't believe the silence to be an affront. They made their way through the corridors and down to the parking lot where Olivia had left her car.

"I'm gonna go get the car and we'll get you loaded in and we'll be home before you know it, OK?" Olivia put the wheelchair's brakes on and took her keys out of her purse. Alex didn't say a word, but she made eye contact with Olivia so the detective took that as a yes.

A couple of minutes later Olivia pulled up alongside the curb and popped the trunk. She got out and went around to help Alex into the passenger seat, pushing the seat back as far as it would go to accommodate the brace that kept her leg jutting stiffly out in front of her. As soon as she was arranged as comfortably as possible, Olivia folded up the wheelchair and put it in the trunk. When she got back in the drivers seat, she took notice of the fact that Alex had turned the radio on. Olivia's lips broke out in the barest hint of a smile as she put the car in drive and headed toward New York as another rain shower began.

###

"Oh, I love this song!" Alex exclaimed as she reached down to turn the volume up on the car stereo. Sherry Darling by Bruce Springsteen blared through the car and Olivia just rolled her eyes and smiled at her girlfriend's sudden urge to sing along.

They were headed to Alex's family's beach cottage in the Hamptons for four days and three nights. Work was painfully slow so they took a couple of extra days off and decided to get a change of scenery. It was the middle of November and a storm warning had been issued, but they needed to get out of the city and relax with each other and if they were being honest, they probably wouldn't be leaving the cottage for anything other than an absolute necessity so the weather wouldn't be much of an issue.

As Alex drove, she noticed the dark clouds moving in at a rapid pace. Soon they would unleash what would probably be record rainfall that would flood the streets and winds blowing so hard it could uproot trees. It sounded awful, but Alex loved the coast more when it was stormy and cold because she liked any excuse to light candles and get a roaring fire going. She pushed the accelerator a little more and belted out the second verse of Sherry Darling.

Olivia was relishing the idea of spending time with the blonde in a distraction free environment. The amount of teasing text messages Olivia had gotten from Alex about their trip made her feel giddy. All she could think about was getting Alex's clothes off and taking her in front of the fireplace and it was all the ADA's fault. Texts arrived at random times in the week leading up to their getaway that mentioned all the things Alex had planned to do to Olivia's body in front of the fireplace in the living room, the fireplace in the bedroom, in the shower, in the bathtub with the whirlpool jets, and, obviously, in bed. Four days of just her and Alex cozied up together while the weather raged outside? Sign her up.

It wasn't long before they reached the cottage and Alex pulled in parallel to the front door. They unloaded the bags and settled in quickly before making tea and reclining on the sofa. The rain had begun and the only sound was fat raindrops slapping the picture window that overlooked the ocean.

"I'll make something for dinner since you drove," Olivia said as she stood up and took their empty mugs to the kitchen.

Alex got up and followed her. "I wanna help. We can make something together."

"Well, I'm thinking about whipping up some homemade macaroni and cheese. It's simple and good for a stormy day."

"I love it," Alex said and leaned over to kiss Olivia on the cheek.

Dinner was enjoyed and they lounged on the sofa wrapped around each other. The storm had really hit by that time and the sounds of wind whistling through cracks and blowing loose tree branches against the house and banging the shutters were getting more and more frequent. Alex was used to it, but Olivia would tense up when something was particularly loud. She hugged the detective tighter for a moment and then stood up, turning to offer her hands to help Olivia off the sofa.

"C'mon. We're going out," Alex stated.

Olivia's eyes went wide. "Are you insane? It's raining sideways out there and-"

"I know," Alex shrugged, "but this'll be fun. It won't be for long and as crazy as this sounds, it'll get you used to the sounds out there. And you'll be rewarded for your bravery when we get back," she added with a suggestive raise of an eyebrow. "So get your jacket and let's go."

Reaching up and taking Alex's hands, Olivia got up and went to the coat rack with a skeptical look on her face, but pulled the hood over her head and zipped up anyway. She looked over at Alex while she did the same, her face glowing with excitement. They opened the front door and stepped out onto the stoop.

Alex reached over and took Olivia's hand. "Let's do this," she said as she pulled a still slightly fearful Olivia along behind her.

It wasn't long before they were soaked to the skin. Their shoes were no longer keeping water out and their feet sloshed around inside. The water dripped from their eyelashes and blurred their vision, but they were laughing like maniacs as they tried to run against the wind. Olivia had to admit it wasn't so bad when she saw that the majority of the 'scary' sounds were the Eastern White Pine and Leyland Cypress trees out front scraping against the house and flinging branches all over the place. She was sure the neighbours thought she and Alex were nuts for running out in the middle of a storm, but she didn't care; she felt invincible. They slowed down when their muscles protested the exertion and cold temperatures, so they decided to head back to the cottage.

"That was incredible!" Olivia exclaimed as she shrugged off her coat and ran a hand through her soaking wet hair.

"Told you so," Alex replied smugly. "Let's put these wet clothes in the dryer and put our pyjamas on."

After peeling off their wet clothes in the mud room and tossing them in the dryer, they made their way to the bedroom wrapped in towels. Alex quickly started a fire as Olivia dug her sweatpants and hoodie from her bag, then got Alex's pyjamas out for her. They grinned at each other as they dressed and then flopped down on the bed.

"Running against gale force winds really saps the energy," Olivia breathed.

Alex shifted so she was pressed up against Olivia's side. "It sure does. But we'll sleep well."

Olivia turned her head to look at Alex. "I was kind of hoping we wouldn't sleep much tonight..."

"Are you really telling me you have enough energy to fool around?"

Laying still and taking stock of how her body felt, Olivia frowned. "I guess not. Well, I suppose I'd be OK with a little make-out session under the covers before exhaustion overtakes us."

"I think I can manage that," Alex whispered before pulling the covers up over them and beginning to kiss her detective senseless.


	11. Good News

**A) I know I kept you all hanging for a looooooooong time. Circumstances beyond my control kept popping up. December is always a crazy-busy month for me, and then January had some obstacles in store. Things seemed to have settled down and I hope it stays that way. B) I could never not finish a story I post. I'm too much of a Capricorn to not finish something I start. It might take a while to get it done, but I WILL see it through to the end. And C) This chapter sucks. Nothing happens in it. Some of you will be kind and say it's good and some of you will agree with me, and some of you will just be so happy to see I updated that you don't care too much about what happens. This bit stumped me for soooooo long. I had 309 words forever and couldn't get any more than that. I lost my way. But I forced it to come together and here it is. It's short-ish, and now that this is out maybe it won't be so difficult to get better stuff out of my brain. Sorry/You're welcome.**

_Let's hear some good news for the lady. She's coming out from far behind. So if she seems a little slow, it only goes to show that everything will grow in its own time_

As Olivia continued to drive toward Manhattan in the pouring rain, her mind kept flashing back to memories of that trip to the Hamptons. They'd enjoyed spending time indoors a lot more than they thought they would, and sex didn't even factor into it (though there was plenty of that). They spent hours talking next to the fire, reading books and drinking tea, and watching the storm rage outside while intertwined with each other. It was about enjoying the closeness of the setting and not having a care in the world. Olivia knew that this time they were about to spend together was going to be less than ideal, but it was necessary to rebuild a relationship with Alex, which Olivia decided she wanted more than anything else. She glanced over at Alex in the passenger seat, a forlorn look on her bruised face as she watched the world pass by out the window. The radio was still playing softly and she thought again of how it was a positive sign that Alex had even turned it on. It may have been a very small sign, but it held a tiny sliver of hope that Olivia could cling to for the time being.

Before long they were back in the city limits and not far from Olivia's building. The rain had let up and was now a light drizzle, for which Olivia was very grateful. She guided the car into a parking spot, hearing Alex sigh when she turned the engine off.

"We're here," Olivia stated needlessly, but she felt like she needed to break the silence. Alex didn't acknowledge her at all. "I'm gonna help get you upstairs and then when you're situated, I'll come back down and get the bags." If she hadn't been looking directly at Alex, she wouldn't have seen the slight nod the blonde woman gave. Olivia got out of the car and took the wheelchair out of the trunk, wheeled it to the passenger door, and gently helped Alex into it.

Getting Alex up to the fourth floor was a simpler task than Olivia had anticipated. The elevator ride was silent, but Olivia was not surprised by that fact. As they made their way down the hallway, a thought occurred to the detective. How exactly were they going to spend the rest of the evening? She couldn't imagine Alex being in the mood to enjoy a board game (assuming Olivia had one to begin with), and she had shown she wasn't in much of a mood to talk, so that left TV or reading.

"Well, here we are," Olivia said quietly as she unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door. The first thing she saw was a vase of flowers on the counter with a note propped up against it. She wheeled Alex inside and closed the door behind her, heading right to the kitchen to read the note. It was from Elliot.

Liv,

I didn't know exactly what you wanted, so I got some basics. And I picked up some flowers to brighten the place up a bit. If you need anything, just call me.

-El

Olivia turned around and smiled at Alex, who was looking slowly around the room and taking it all in. It had been years since she'd been there, but very little had changed in that time. Olivia's apartment had always had a slightly spartan appearance, but with how little time she was home it made sense that she didn't have time to really decorate. It was cozy and smelled like Olivia, so Alex relaxed a bit as she remembered her time there before she went away. Such sweet memories...

"I'm gonna run down and get the stuff from the car. Do you need anything right now?" Olivia asked. Alex shook her head and Olivia stepped past her, touching her on the shoulder as she did so.

When Alex was sure Olivia was out of the room, she sighed. Being in the same apartment with Olivia wasn't going to be easy. There were so many things concerning the details that lead her to this point that she needed to work through and that didn't even begin to include all the feelings concerning Olivia. She wheeled herself over to the sofa and carefully shifted herself out of the wheelchair and onto the sofa. Groaning from the exertion, she adjusted her legs so they were as comfortable as they could be under the circumstances. Alex closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the cushions for a moment when she heard Olivia come back in.

"OK, let's see what we can make for dinner," Olivia said cheerily. She looked at Alex out of the corner of her eye as she passed the sofa on the way to the kitchen, noting how she was now out of her wheelchair and settled on the sofa. "If you want to watch TV or something, the remote's on the table next to you," the detective called over her shoulder as she perused the contents of the refrigerator. "How does spaghetti sound?"

Alex opened her eyes and lifted her head. "Sounds good." She hadn't eaten much in the past few days and it was starting to catch up with her. The hospital food had been unappetizing and she was being spiteful by not eating the biscuits and gravy that Olivia had brought.

"Well, all right," Olivia grinned before gathering the necessary ingredients.

Twenty minutes later the apartment smelled amazing and Alex's stomach was definitely letting her know it had been too long since she'd last eaten. Olivia brought two plates heaping with pasta, a small salad, and a slice of garlic bread to her and placed them on the end table before returning to kitchen and coming back with two glasses of water, some napkins, and silverware. After making sure Alex had everything she needed, Olivia sat on the other end of the sofa with her dinner and tucked her napkin in her shirt before proceeding to eat.

Olivia watched as Alex took a few bites and figured asking if dinner was OK would be a good conversation starter. "How is it?"

Alex used her napkin to wipe sauce from the corner of her mouth and nodded slowly. "It's great."

"Good to hear." Olivia was thrilled that Alex was speaking, even if it was only two words at a time. "I'll make something really special tomorrow night. And if you have any requests for the future, let me know."

"Will do," Alex said noncommittally as she twirled more pasta on her fork.

The rest of dinner was silent, but Olivia's mind was active with making lists of things to do the following day. She had to call the physical therapist and schedule an appointment, not to mention scheduling a follow-up appointment with the orthopaedist, letting Alex's department know about her condition and arranging for her sick leave, and, most distressingly, seeing about getting Alex's things from Robert. _One thing at a time_, she thought to herself. _Small things first, then we'll work our way up_. As they finished dinner, Olivia collected their plates and took them to the dishwasher. When it was loaded she started the wash cycle and came back to the living room to reclaim her seat on the opposite end of the sofa.

"So...we can figure out the to-do list for everything tomorrow. I figured tonight we could relax and take it easy," Olivia said quickly so as not to allow her brain time to stall and leave room for doubt. Her confidence in herself and her ability to remain positive was wavering. While they were at the hospital the future seemed so far away, but with Alex sitting no more than three feet away and silence cementing itself around them, she had no idea how to make this work.

"OK," Alex stated, continuing to look at the floor.

Olivia looked around the room and tried to figure out something...anything...to do. She looked at her watch. "It's about time for another round of pain pills." She jumped off the sofa and went to the bag that had Alex's prescriptions in it, taking out the proper dose. Bringing back a glass of water to Alex, the blonde woman took her pills and washed them down without protest. When she turned back to take the glass to the sink, she heard Alex take a deep breath.

"Would it be OK if I just took a bath and went to bed?"

"Yeah. Yeah...of course. I'll help you do whatever you want." This was progress. Alex uttered more than a couple of words at one time and she was asking for something she wanted. Olivia couldn't help but smile.

Alex shifted herself back into her wheelchair and headed to the bedroom, while Olivia led the way down the hall to the bathroom to get the necessary supplies for bathing with a cast. As much as she felt like a burden to everyone in her life, and to Olivia especially at that particular point in time, she truly felt a seed of gratitude begin to grow. Maybe this situation wasn't the perfect reunion, but it really showed the depth of Olivia's feelings for her even after all this time. Alex didn't know what to do or say to try to apologise for everything, but she would figure something out.


	12. Sometime Around Midnight

**Last time in Down To Zero...NOTHING HAPPENED. I'll be honest. Not much happens in this one either, but it kind of does. Baby steps. I had the beginning and the ending of this story all outlined and dissected, but the middle bits are HARD AS HELL. The writer's block I've experienced with this story is crippling (perhaps you've noticed).**

_And she leaves with someone you don't know but she makes sure you saw her, she looks right at you and bolts_

Alex's bath occurred without any trouble at all. Preparing her casts to get in the tub had been a task that Olivia performed with experience, and though Alex hadn't spoken, Olivia could see she could see the heat of the water was relaxing for her friend.

The only time Olivia's panic had kicked in was when she was ever so carefully removing Alex's clothes. The blonde had tensed up and when Olivia asked if she was OK, Alex had lied and said she had simply had a twinge of pain. If Olivia knew Alex was lying, she had the decency to not say anything. As much as Alex wanted to hide from Olivia, she wanted a hot, relaxing bath more.

She was currently reclined on Olivia's bed and though she was tired, she couldn't fall asleep. Getting comfortable hadn't been particularly difficult, but Alex's mind wouldn't wind down enough to sleep. Her body felt heavy from the pain killers she had taken after dinner, but knowing Olivia was in the next room was gnawing at her for some reason.

Olivia wasn't uncomfortable sleeping on the couch. In fact, when she was shopping for one, she specifically bought one that wouldn't make her feel like she'd slept on a flight of stairs. Dinner was good, and Alex's bath had made her happy, and now she felt like she should be able to sleep peacefully, but that wasn't happening. The next day would bring phone calls and organising and planning, but it wasn't anything stressful, so Olivia was angry that she couldn't do something as simple as fall asleep.

###

The morning light filtered through the sheer curtain that Olivia had hung up in her bedroom. It was gentle and warm, casting a faint golden glow over the room as Alex looked at her surroundings. Not much had changed since she had last been there. Olivia had the same pictures on the wall, the same furniture, the same everything. It was nice to see that as much as things had changed while she was gone, some things had stayed the same. Carefully extracting herself from the bed and settling in her wheelchair, she rolled herself slowly down the short hall to the living room, the smell of breakfast cooking drawing her in.

As Olivia piled another couple of pancakes on an already heaping platter, she heard the Alex coming nearer. "Good morning! I made pancakes and the coffee's ready."

"Looks great," Alex said quietly, but with a smile and a nod as she situated herself at the table.

Olivia grinned and went to pour Alex some coffee. "So I already called and set up your follow-up appointment, and I scheduled your first physical therapy appointment." She brought a steaming mug over to Alex and paused next to her as she set it on the table. "There was another phone call I was gonna make, but I wanted to talk to you about it first."

Alex reached out for the mug, taking it with both hands and accepting the warmth of it for a moment before she took a sip. "OK."

Taking a deep breath, Olivia said, "We should figure out how to get your things back from Robert."

"Yeah," Alex whispered. "I guess we should."

"We don't have to talk about it today, but we should do it sooner rather than later."

"Yeah, you're right." Alex looked down at her coffee mug for a moment. Olivia took that as a sign that she was gathering her thoughts. Getting her belongings from Robert was a necessity, but it would take an emotional toll on her. If she wanted someone else to handle it, Olivia would make that happen. "What about my doctor's appointments?"

Olivia went and plated up the pancakes and placed one in front of Alex before putting one at her place at the table. "I made an appointment with the physician for tomorrow, and the physical therapist will come here for your appointment the next day. They said you'll mostly be doing diagnostic stuff to see where you're at...stretches and range of motion stuff first and then they'll plan out your rehab from there."

Alex reached up and pulled the napkin onto her lap. When it was situated, she reached up and took her fork and knife. Just before cutting into her stack of pancakes, she looked shyly at Olivia. "Thanks."

"For what?"

"Everything. Just...thanks."

"No thanks necessary. But you're welcome," Olivia smiled at Alex and they ate their pancakes in companionable silence.

###

More companionable silence happened that day. They watched a few movies, and Alex picked a book to read out from Olivia's collection. They ate an early dinner courtesy of the Thai place up the street that delivered, and it wasn't long before a belly full of pineapple rice and pain meds made Alex's eyelids heavy with sleep.

Olivia helped get Alex into bed, telling her that she hoped her sleep would be deep and restful so she'd be in good shape for the doctor. She fought the urge to kiss the blonde on the forehead; she believed that it was too intimate a gesture for where they were in their rediscovered relationship. If Olivia had her way she'd be cuddled into Alex's side and would never leave, but she had to be respectful of Alex and her feelings, the pain and trauma she'd experienced. Olivia knew that Alex would reach out and break out of her shell when she was ready. Before she left the room, she cast a look back at Alex, who was already asleep. Leaving the door open a bit, she returned to the sofa to read until she herself fell asleep.

###

Alex dreamed of Wisconsin.

There was a small bar and music venue called The Hideout on the way home from Alex's office. She discovered it one night tucked away on a side street as the name would imply, and decided that going back to her empty house could wait until she'd had a beer or two and some interaction with people who didn't work in insurance claims adjusting. It was a converted house with turn of the century architecture, low ceilings covered in pressed tin, hardwood panelling on the walls, and a classic black and white tiled floor. The front of the building was lit warmly and before long she had unofficially made it her hangout. While it was far from the "lawyer bars" she was used to in New York, it was comfortable, the clientele was diverse and incredibly nice, the beer was cold, and the music was generally good. She felt a little of pre-witness protection Alex beginning to shine through whenever she stopped by.

In her dream, the street was deserted and the sun had just set over the horizon, blanketing a dusky glow over everything as twilight set in. She pushed open the heavy front door and peeked around to the bar. It was empty. As she stepped in to the main bar, she didn't see anyone at all.

"Hello?" she called, hoping maybe the bartender was in the storage room. When no one came out, she sat on a bar stool by the window and figured she'd wait. Maybe they were taking the trash out and had yet to return.

Music was coming from the front room. The swinging doors that separated the two rooms were closed, so she couldn't see if there was anyone in there or not. Sliding off the stool, she decided to see what was going on. Thinking to herself that there could be any one of a million things behind the doors, she pushed her way through them.

The place was packed. On the stage was a band she didn't know playing an uptempo instrumental song she didn't recognise. Everyone was dancing and as Alex scanned the room, her gaze fell on a very familiar face: Olivia.

Suddenly her breath left her lungs and she felt faint. The yellow Christmas lights that lined the exposed floor joists from the upstairs gave Olivia an aura. She was wearing a white button down and black wide leg slacks, and she lit up room with her smile. God, she looked amazing; as stunning as she had ever looked in Alex's memories.

Olivia was surrounded by three men, all of whom were laughing and hanging on her every word. They were obviously charmed by her, but most people were. Someone passing by handed her a drink, and as she lifted it to her lips, she made direct eye contact with Alex.

Alex's heart threatened to beat out of her chest as Olivia excused herself from the group and made her way through the crowd toward her.

Gliding up to her like a spectre, Olivia gave a coy smile. "Hey, Alex."

The hammering from Alex's heart was now making its way to her head. She forgot how to use words and opened her mouth to try to speak but no sound came out. Swallowing thickly, it felt like an eternity before she managed to say, "What are you doing here?"

"My boyfriend wanted to come here to see some friends," Olivia answered indifferently. "I figured they have a bar here, so it wouldn't be a wasted trip for me. I can drink while they talk guy stuff."

"Boyfriend?" Alex asked, furrowing her brow.

Olivia pointed to a couple of men the corner of the room near the stage. "He's the one in the green shirt over there. His name's Christian."

"Boyfriend," Alex confirmed. She was still wrapping her head around Olivia being in Wisconsin and at the bar she frequented, but this revelation was unravelling her at a much faster pace.

"Yep. We met at work. He's an ADA. Guess I have a type, huh?" Olivia laughed at her own joke, but Alex visibly deflated. "Well, see ya 'round." And with that Olivia parted the crowd to get to her boyfriend.

Alex felt like she'd been punched in the gut. She saw Christian lean over and whisper something in Olivia's ear, she threw her head back and laughed, and then she kissed him hard. The fact that Olivia didn't like gratuitous displays of affection was not lost on Alex. And she watched as Olivia took Christian's hand and pulled him through the throng of people and out the door, giving her an antagonistic look as she breezed past before turning back to Christian and disappearing. The room began to spin and Alex fell to her knees. Hands came from everywhere to try to pick her up off the floor, but she was crying and couldn't keep her emotions under control, let alone her body. She curled up on the cold floor and cried Olivia's name over and over again as everything faded to black.

Meanwhile, in the living room, Olivia woke to the sound of her name. The book she had been reading had fallen to the floor and it took her a minute to realise that she'd been asleep for a few hours. As Alex's anguished cries got louder, she bolted to the bedroom to tend to the blonde. Reaching out a hand to her shoulder, Olivia gently shook Alex and quietly said her name to try to wake her. It wasn't long before Alex's eyes opened wide and she shouted, "Get away from me!"

Olivia staggered backward and put a hand to her chest as she watched Alex break down into choking sobs.


	13. Are You Sleeping?

**Real life flared up. REALLY REALLY flared up. If I had my way I'd sit in my house wearing my jammies in front of my computer and I'd churn out brilliant things for people to read, but I'm a kitchen manager and I work all the time and then my Canadian friends come down and we spend their vacation driving all up and down and left and right and then my dad has hip replacement surgery and needed to be attended to and chauffeured around. TL;DR - ADULTHOOD IS STUPID.**

**This is a reminder that no matter how long it takes me, I WILL finish this story. Whether anyone is still reading it or not. I have to get it all out of my head or it will expand and kill me. And is the formatting all jacked up on your end? I swear every single chapter is, like, all bold, all italic, missing line breaks, or some combination of the aforementioned and/or more. I've tried doing my own HTML, but it makes no difference.**

**Anyway, the conflict grows nearer and nearer...**

* * *

_Are you sleeping? Can you hear me? Do you know if I am by your side? Does it matter if you hear me? When the morning comes I'll be there by your side_

* * *

As Alex's sobs tapered off, Olivia noticed that Alex had never actually woken up from whatever dream she was having. She simply quieted down and relaxed back into a dreamless sleep. Letting out a quiet sigh, Olivia carefully tiptoed to the bed and rearranged the blankets so they covered where Alex had thrown them off. She looked at Alex's sleeping form one last time before leaving the door slightly ajar and heading back to the couch to try to get a few hours sleep. The alarm would be going off soon enough.

When the alarm sounded at 7am, Olivia turned it off and stood up quickly, stretching her arms over her head and bouncing on the balls of her feet. She was exhausted and had learned from waking up after many a sleep interrupted night that getting the blood moving went a long way to tricking the body into thinking it got more rest than it did (for a while, at least). She stepped lightly down the hallway and knocked lightly on the bedroom door. "Alex?"

"I just need to brush my teeth and then I'll be ready to go," came the reply from behind the door.

That wasn't what Olivia was expecting at all. "Um...OK. I'll make some toast and coffee and then I'm gonna take a quick shower, okay?"

"Sure."

Olivia shook her head and headed to the kitchen. A moment or two later Alex wheeled herself down the hallway and parked next to the couch. The bruises were noticeably fading and Olivia hoped that as Alex recovered physically she would also begin to recover emotionally. The hold that traumatic events had on one's subconscious was powerful and unpredictable, and that was a fact Olivia knew all too well. "Here's breakfast and the paper and I'll be out in twenty minutes or so."

Alex accepted the plate that was handed to her and watched as Olivia placed the newspaper, her morning pills, and a mug of coffee on the table next to the sofa and continued off to take a shower and get dressed. She picked up a piece of toast and nibbled on a corner, she then unfolded the paper and scanned the front page. All depressing news. After taking her pills and draining her mug of coffee, she flipped through the sections and found the crossword puzzle, and used the pen Olivia kept in the drawer for scribbling down addresses of crime scenes to fill it out. She had finished more than half of it when the detective emerged from her bedroom dressed and ready for the day.

"Ready?"

"Yeah," Alex answered quietly as she put the plate and paper on the table and let Olivia wheel her down to the car.

###

Not a word was said on the way to the doctor's office. Olivia didn't bring up Alex's nightmare though all she wanted to do was ask about it and find out what it was about, but Alex seemed OK, and Olivia decided to put her curiosity on the back burner for the time being.

The appointment went quickly. It wasn't much more than a meet'n'greet and a cursory exam. Alex's full post-op follow-up was scheduled in another two weeks, and they went over concerns about healing and that was it.

Olivia pushed Alex's chair outside and came around to stand in front of her. "Well, since that took a lot less time than I thought it would and it's a decent enough weather day, how about we go to Central Park and wander around for a bit? We can get hot dogs for lunch and people watch."

"That sounds nice. It feels good to be outside," Alex said, the barest hint of a smile playing on her lips. She loved people watching in the park and the fresh air was a nice change after spending so much time inside.

When they arrived back at the apartment, Olivia reheated leftovers for dinner and they watched a little TV while they ate. It was pretty domestic, and Olivia was happy that they had gotten out of the apartment for a good portion of the day. Alex seemed comfortable and seemed to enjoy herself.

As soon as Alex had taken her night pills and announced that she was going to bed, a thread of nervousness snaked through Olivia's good mood. "G'night, Alex," she called down the hall as Alex made her way toward the bedroom.

"Night, Liv," Alex replied over her shoulder as she stopped.

"Um, if you need anything in the night, you'll let me know, right?" Olivia pressed.

"Yeah. I'll let you know," Alex answered and continued on to the bedroom.

Olivia cleaned up for the night before getting ready for bed. Before she retied to the sofa, she looked in on Alex. The blonde woman had put on her pyjamas and was currently laying on her back with her head turned and her face pressed into the pillow. Olivia was satisfied and left the door open a bit so she could hear if Alex woke up in then night.

As her eyes drifted closed and her body relaxed, the sounds of Alex mumbling loudly stopped Olivia from falling asleep. She tossed off the sheet and moved swiftly and as quietly as possible to Alex's bedside. Like the night before, Alex was tossing and turning, but she wasn't crying this time; only mumbling and occasionally whimpering. Kneeling on the floor next to the head of the bed, Olivia reached out and put her hand on Alex's shoulder." Alex, it's Olivia. It's just a dream, baby. It's OK." She repeated soothing words and stroked Alex's hair back from her forehead until the blonde's body relaxed back into sleep with a drowsy sigh, still not having woken up from the dream that tormented her. Olivia waited to see if she was indeed out for the rest of the night before standing and placing a kiss on Alex's forehead and heading back to bed.

###

When the alarm went off the following morning both Alex and Olivia greeted the new day sluggishly. Neither mentioned to the other about sleeping poorly; they just drank coffee and had a quick breakfast of scrambled eggs and tried to wake up before the physical therapist arrived for Alex's appointment.

At 930am on the dot, a knock startled the women. Olivia jumped up and opened the door, ushering in a handsome dark haired man dressed in scrub pants and a v-neck t-shirt. He held out his hand to Olivia to shake and introduced himself. "I'm Brock."

"Olivia. And that's Alex, but you probably already figured that out," Olivia smiled and looked at Alex behind her before shutting the door.

"Nice to meet you," Alex nodded, the smile on her lips not quite reaching her eyes.

Brock took his messenger bag from his shoulder and pulled out Alex's file. "Well, it looks like you've had some leg surgery. How's it been getting around in the wheelchair?"

"Not bad. My arms get a little tired sometimes, but we've been staying in mostly, so I just stop where I am and rest for a bit."

"All right. How's it been getting in and out of it?"

Alex shrugged. "Fine, I guess. Going from the couch to the chair isn't the easiest, but Liv helps."

Olivia stepped forward. "She can get in and out of bed by herself, and I helped her in the bath the other night."

Scribbling a few notes in the folder, Brock looked back up and smiled at Alex. "I've read your charts from the surgeon and your local doctor and I think you can handle switching to crutches. Your healing nicely from what I've read and this'll help you get your legs used to moving like they should. Sound good?"

"That's fantastic!" Olivia exclaimed.

Alex simply nodded and looked from Olivia to Brock.

"I'll go get a pair from my van. I'll be back up in a minute."

When Brock had left the apartment, Olivia stepped up next to Alex's chair. "You don't seem very excited about this," she said sadly.

"I'm tired and just want to sleep."

Olivia put a hand on Alex's shoulder and felt Alex tense, but she didn't take her hand back. "We can take a nap after this. Then I'll make lunch and we'll see how we feel from there."

Brock returned with a shiny new pair of crutches and stood in front of Alex. "If you'd be so kind as to stand up then I can fit these for you and we'll get started on the stretches I want you to work on before our next meeting."

Alex pushed herself up and took a moment to get her balance. Olivia went to the kitchen to wash the breakfast dishes as Brock lengthened the legs of the crutches to comfortably fit Alex's stature.

"Now take a spin around the living room and see how they feel. I'll be right next to you if you get wobbly. You've been off your feet for a while and people tend to resemble a newborn foal when they first get up. Don't be discouraged."

Gripping the crutches tightly and looking fiercely determined, Alex took a step with her walking booted foot, carefully putting her weight on it before bringing her splinted leg next to it. She did the same thing again, taking it slowly so as not to lose her footing. Little by by little, Alex relaxed enough to develop a sort of stride. Olivia stood transfixed to her spot in the kitchen, grinning widely and fighting the urge to run over and hug Alex.

"Excellent! The more you practice the easier you'll find a rhythm," Brock encouraged. As she rounded the sofa, the slightest hint of a smile tugged at the corners of Alex's mouth. "Now, I can tell you're the type who absolutely hates to fail," Brock commented as Alex returned to her starting point and fixed him with a look that asked how he'd figured that out so quickly. "That determined look on your face the entire time you were making your way around here was a dead giveaway," he explained, drawing a stifled laugh from Olivia, who was looking on from the kitchen. "Anyway, you hate to fail, but your muscles are need a bit of an adjustment period after the surgery. There's gonna be some pain for a bit at the beginning but it'll lessen over time. Take a muscle relaxer if you need, and just remember not to over do it. OK?" Alex nodded. "OK! Now I'll show you the stretches to work on before our next appointment."

Olivia finished up in the kitchen and passed where Brock and Alex were working together on the living room floor. She figured she could get a load of laundry in and tidy up a bit. When she came back out to the living room, Brock was going over a packet of information with Alex. Heading back to the kitchen, she made a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches (with some pepper jack cheese and a little guacamole for a twist on the original) and plated them up as Brock said goodbye and left. "I hope you worked up an appetite because I made grilled cheeses for lunch," she said as she brought two plates out to Alex on the sofa and headed back to the kitchen to get two glasses of water for them.

"That wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be," Alex admitted.

"That's good! From what I saw you nailed it. You'll be ballroom dancing and running marathons in no time!"

Alex smiled at Olivia's enthusiasm. "I didn't ballroom dance or run marathons before."

"But you could start. You can do anything you put your mind to, Alex. Even Brock saw that stubborn determination of yours." She sat down on the opposite end of the sofa from Alex and pulled her plate onto her lap. "Things are gonna get better for you," she said seriously.

"I hope so," Alex said softly.

Lunch was finished quickly and the plates were in the sink as Alex readied herself for her long awaited nap. She changed back into her sweatpants and hoodie (she wore yoga pants and a long sleeve t-shirt for Brock's visit so she wouldn't look less than put together even under the current circumstances) and got back into bed. Olivia poked her head in the doorway. "Just wanted to make sure you've got everything you need for the time being."

"I'm all set," Alex said, blinking sleepily.

"I'll be in the living room if you need anything."

Closing her eyes and settling in under the blankets, Alex sighed. "I know. Thanks."

Olivia picked up her book from the coffee table and read for two uninterrupted hours when she heard the sounds of Alex coming down the hallway on her new crutches. "Sleep well?"

"Just what I needed. I'll be really happy when this constant state of fatigue goes away." Alex lowered herself carefully onto the sofa and turned to face Olivia.

"Well, you haven't been getting very much sleep at night 'cos of the nightmares so-" Olivia realised where she was taking that thought and shut up.

The colour drained from Alex's face. "You...know about those?"

"It's kind of hard not to, really. You cry and thrash and whimper and I hear it plain as day out here and it breaks my heart and I don't want you to hurt yourself-"

Alex's eyes narrowed. "I'm fine, Olivia. Everyone has bad dreams once in a while."

"True, but you've just experienced a pretty big series of traumatic events in your life and maybe you could talk to someone-" Olivia could see Alex was getting worked up.

"I talk to _you_, Olivia," Alex spat.

"No, you don't. You haven't really given me any insight to your thoughts and feelings and fears and all that stuff in a long time, Alex." Olivia was raising her voice and she didn't want a shouting match. "Look, all I'm saying is that it might help to talk to a professional about things. It helps to have an impartial opinion from someone who you know won't judge you for what you're feeling."

Alex stood up as quickly as was possible and positioned her crutches under her arms and headed back down the hallway. "I feel fine, Olivia. And that's the end of this discussion," she called behind her before slamming the bedroom door.


End file.
